Returning to the city

I’ve mentioned before that The Boss and I have known each other since we were 8 or 9 years old. But there should actually be an asterisk after “known each other since” because that’s not entirely accurate. We met around that age (8 or 9), but didn’t see each other again until around middle school. [...]

This calls for a little TLC

The Lakers were eliminated in a four-game sweep on Sunday against the Dallas Mavericks, and it was a rough night at our house. There will likely be a few rough weeks ahead; a loss of this gravity will take time to heal. The Boss has been a die-hard Lakers fan since he was born, literally. [...]

Greg Fockers’ long lost sister

Found: Ribbons from two (of the many) gymnastics meets I competed in, circa 1997. But to my defense, I was in middle school, and competing with and against high school students. Now, someone call my agent, I need to schedule a meeting with Robert De Niro.

New decade, same eyebrows

Circa 1996, age 11 Last week, 2010 I tried to get to the bottom of this, but when I began the questioning process, a large hairy clump of UNRULINESS reached for my neck, and began rapid-stabbing me with short, prickly hairs while screaming JACKIE ONASSIS KENNEDY WAS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

A study in Beef Jerky

A few weeks ago, while at the local halal store, The Boss and I found Beef Jerky. Halal Beef Jerky. As in, OH-MY-GOD-I-HAVEN’T-EATEN-BEEF-JERKY-SINCE-I-WAS-TEN-YEARS-OLD(!) Beef Jerky. I nearly shed a tear. I started eating halal, or zabiha meat my sophomore year in high school, which essentially eliminated All Things Delicious from my diet until slightly later [...]

Some things aren’t meant to be shared

I have an obsessive fear that someday, somehow, somewhere, someone will accidentally use my toothbrush. And it’s based off of absolutely nothing. Every morning when I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I run my thumb across the bristles of my toothbrush to make sure they’re completely dry. In my mind, it’s basic [...]

My old flame is nothing more than an orange ball of nostalgia

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I wrote a letter to Kraft Foods begging them to resurrect Planters Cheez Balls? I wrote them this really touching, heartfelt e-mail about how when I was a kid, my mom used to buy me a can of Planters Cheez Balls from the vending machine after [...]

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