Here’s a scenario. Prepare to relate.

Lisa and Roxy (I’m not feeling very creative at the moment) are best friends. They have been for years. Both women go to college, get jobs and live at home. Roxy gets a promotion and Lisa gets engaged. Both women attend important functions for each other. Lisa makes time to attend a  fancy dinner for an award Roxy won at work; Roxy cancels her Zumba class to meet Lisa for a cake tasting. They’re incredibly happy for each other. Lisa and Roxy are happy when the other is happy.

A few years pass.

Roxy is doing really well at work. She’s moved to the city to cut out commute time. Lisa is married, has moved to another state with her husband and found a job.

And then it starts…

Roxy’s mom:

Wow, Lisa is doing so great!
I can’t believe Lisa’s married!
I watched Lisa grow up into a beautiful woman with a beautiful husband!
It’s so great Lisa’s married!
Wow, Lisa found such a great guy!
Maybe you can ask Lisa if her husband has any friends he can introduce you to.
Lisa’s parents must be so proud.
All that any parent wants is for their little girl  is for her to be taken care of.
I bet Lisa’s mom and dad are really excited for grandchildren.
Lisa is going to be the best mom!
We’re all going to leave this world. Now Lisa’s parents can go in peace since their daughter is married.

Next thing you know: ROXY HATES LISA. The reality is that Roxy is not jealous of Lisa, but because of the constant comparisons there is now a rift in this friendship. And there is no guarantee that it can be mended.

Next scenario:

Bill and Seth (I said I’m not feeling creative) are best friends. Seth gets married and Bill joins the Peace Corps.

Bill and Seth’s moms: I love that kid! Invite him over for dinner when he’s in town again!

UUUUGGGGGGAAAHAHAHHAHHRRRRRR!

As women we all talk about how we should support each other. But wherever you turn, look, read, it’s always the same: mommy wars and bride wars and skin color wars and job wars and weight wars and hair wars and who-has-the-better-man wars. Basically if you’re a woman not matter what you’re doing YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I’m not saying that my generation is not at fault for these ill feelings women often feel toward each other, but I do feel like the older generation (parents and in-laws, specifically the women in both the aforementioned categories) have to take more responsibility. Today, women who are in their 20s and 30s define success differently than the older generation defined it. And though we’re not asking the older and (sometimes) wiser folks to bow down to our greatness, it would be nice to feel appreciated and/or be acknowledged from time to time. When’s the last time your mother-in-law was all, “I’m really happy my son married you,” or the last time your mom was like, “I know some of your friends are getting married, but I want you to know that I’m so proud of the woman you are.”

I don’t believe in coddling. If your kid sucks at something tell them they suck and then help them get better. But I do think there is value in Roxy’s mother telling her that she’s really proud to be her mom. And yeah, maybe Roxy’s parents want her to get married, but maybe that’s not what Roxy wants for herself at this exact moment. And if it is what she wants at this exact moment then her parents aren’t helping by reminding her how wonderful Lisa is, which in turn only reminds Roxy how wonderful she is NOT.

As women we have to take ownership of the words we use and we must allow each other to create our own definitions for success. I know how I define success and I’m working toward becoming that definition. But I can’t expect my sister or closest friends to agree with my definition even though, and I’m stripping myself of all smoke and mirrors here, I really, really wish they would. And here’s another thing, I really, really wish I didn’t feel that way because how then can I be any different than the female ideology that I’m criticizing so publicly?

To some degree I think we’re all similar in that sense. We all think we’re doing it the right way (whatever that means) and we well think that our opinions really matter. But the truth is we’re making mistakes all the time and hoping to God no one notices. And when it comes to our Holy Grail of opinions, in the words of my dad, “No one really cares what you think, beta.”

Ultimately I think the best solution to this gender-wide problem is to acknowledge greatness in others and yourself while tempering these acknowledgements with humility. Being aware of another person’s successes reminds us that we don’t have all the answers. And being aware of the unique gifts and talents that each of us has been given sets a stage where we are reminded to be constantly grateful.

I wish I could say that I packed with purpose and vigor today now that we have a place in New York, but I didn’t. I cooked a little in the morning, felt sorry for myself in the afternoon, pulled my now-long-enough-for-a-half-ponytail hair back with a coral-colored scrunchie (don’t judge me), and then felt better in the late afternoon after Lisa Jarmon saw her finished house on Ellen. I love when people get stuff.

I’ve been freelancing for the past 3 years and have been really lucky to be able to accomplish many of the goals I set for my solo writing career so a few months ago I knew I was ready to re-enter the job world.

And Good Lord, no one told me how hard it would be.

When I graduated from college I found work in less than 5 weeks. This time around it’s taken me 8 months to get 3 interviews. The companies I want to work at the most, and the positions I feel most qualified for, are the ones that are the hardest to penetrate as an outsider. I’ve worked at a large media corporation so I know that internal movement  is the most common. But as an experienced professional in my field it’s frustrating to feel like I’m not even being given a fair chance. I wish someone would hold American Idol style auditions for journalism jobs because I would totally try out. Being on JI (Journalism Idol, obvi) would allow me to present my skill set to hiring managers and managing editors who normally only look at a certain type of candidate. But being on JI wouldn’t be all about me thinking I’m awesome, it would force me to take a hard look at myself as a writer and editor. Am I the guy singing “Like A Virgin,” or am I the Kelly Clarkson of the group?

I guess we’d find out now wouldn’t we?

The Boss always uses sports analogies when giving me pep talks about staying focused on my goals. His examples often involve Kobe Bryant’s dedication to his craft, and because I have a deep admiration for superior athleticism (I cry every time I watch the one Olympics promo that NBC released so far), these examples usually help me. Putting Kobe’s personal life aside, there is no denying that Kobe Bryant is one of the greatest basketball players of all time. On the court he is a force to be reckoned with. His drive, his ambition and his dedication to the game inspire me. But today as I reflected on something The Boss said to me, I realized that I’m not like Kobe. He’s had such a winning career that staying motivated probably isn’t his biggest challenge. Kobe has 5 championship rings and 2 NBA Finals MVPs. He’s been an All-Star 14 times and won the Slam Dunk Contest when he came into the league AS A TEENAGER. And that’s not even all he’s done professionally. But what would happen if Kobe played for 8 seasons (number of months I’ve been looking for work) with only 3 appearances in the Finals (number of job interviews I’ve had) and lost to the other team each time? Would he still be as focused? As driven?

When I brought this up to The Boss he said, “Okay, forget about Kobe. What about Abraham Lincoln?”

What about Abe Lincoln?

Honest Abe had a career with some major disappointments. He lost his mom and the woman he was going to marry; he had 2 failed businesses; he ran for office nearly a dozen times and lost; he couldn’t get into law school; he lost his job and was even homeless as a child. For nearly 30 years the guy just couldn’t catch break. But then he was elected president. And today he is credited with practically abolishing slavery.

(Of course legal freedom for all slaves in the United States didn’t come until the Thirteenth Amendment passed in December 1865. Lincoln was a strong supporter of the amendment, but was unfortunately assassinated before its final enactment).

I killed that moment didn’t I?

The point is that Abraham Lincoln didn’t give up on his dreams because he believed in himself and his abilities; all he needed was a chance. Nearly 150 years after his death historians still rank Abraham Lincoln as one of the greatest presidents of all time in categories ranging from public persuasion and economic management to international relations and moral authority.

I don’t know if Journalism Idol will ever materialize, but if it does Ryan Seacrest’s manager will probably be all over that. And if RyCrest can go from a little boy with a Georgia accent as thick as molasses to a young adult with a spray tan (gag) and frosted hair (double gag) to a man with exceptional enunciation and a Today show correspondent, then let my job search continue, Virtual Companions! Because a day will come when I finally get my moment to shine…I’m just really hoping it’s before I’m forced to implement my Plan B: wear a body sign that reads “Unemployed Journalist. Please Hire Me!” and stand in Times Square handing out my resumes while secretly hoping I bump into Tina Fey.