Looking for a good man

Posted on December 29, 2010
Filed Under Advice, Marriage & Relationships | 2 Comments

Sabrina,

How would I go about getting to know men in the community? I am a convert and my family is not very involved in my life when it comes to things like that so [I don't think I would] have their support, and I don’t think [they would give me] feedback. If there is any advice you might have please let me know.

M

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Dear M,

Since you’re a new Muslim looking to meet a good man, I suggest you talk to a trusted male leader (i.e. an Imam or Sheikh) at your mosque, or Islamic community center as he would likely be more in-the-know as to who the good guys in the community are, versus the guys that are…well…let’s just say, getting there slowly. In addition to speaking with someone in a leadership role, you could also talk to some of the Muslim women in your community whom you have gotten to know and trust —  like getting a job, finding a mate is often a lot about networking. It might take a bit of courage for you to put yourself out there like that (I understand seeking a mate is a very personal thing for both men and women) but if you mention to a handful of people that you’re looking, then that handful of people can help point you in the right direction. If you’re a student, try tapping into the Muslim Student’s Association (or a similar organization) on campus as another resource.

Your mention of your family’s lack of support or feedback sounds more like an assumption on your part than a fact. Have you brought this issue up with them before? Just because you’ve chosen to worship God in a different way than your family that doesn’t change the fact that they love you dearly, and only want what’s best for you. Explain to them what you’re looking for, and even if they don’t have the community resources to physically introduce you to Mr. Right, at least they can advise you in a way that only family can.

If you haven’t already, you should also take the time to really study and understand your Islamic rights and responsibilities as a woman (and as a future wife) before you start meeting people. This is important for all women (whether Muslim by birth or by choice) because there is a very fine line between religion and culture, and it is extremely important for you to be able to independently differentiate between the two before you start to fall for someone. Islam is the most colorful faith on the planet, but just as this diversity brings an unwavering depth and beauty to this religion, that same diversity can often come with a lot of baggage.

Ultimately, you have to know what you want, and continue to improve yourself. In most cases, the type of person you are, and the type of person you’re striving to become, will attract like-hearted people into your life, and God willing, among those people will be a wonderful, compassionate, and generous Muslim man with whom you can share your life.

All the best,
Sabrina

An friendship strained by past and present

Posted on December 15, 2010
Filed Under Advice, Friendships | Comments Off

Dear Sabrina,

My best friend from college is a social worker, and a damn good one. She has done lots of great work with the disadvantaged girls and women in our community, but she recently began working with a state-run program to rehabilitate convicted child molesters. I was molested when I was 7 years old, and though I have been able to live a healthy adult life in spite of this (I am in a wonderful, heterosexual relationship, have a good job, and college degree) the memory haunts me to this day. The thought of my best friend trying to help these soulless animals stings deep inside me, and I’m having trouble looking at her the same way I used to. I recently made an excuse to skip her 30th birthday party (I said I wasn’t well) because I can’t seem to shake the feeling that she is enabling the monsters that hurt me [and] others as a child. Yes, I am a survivor of a horrific act, but the reason I haven’t made this part of my childhood known to many people is because I hate it when people remind me that I am a survivor. It makes me feel more victimized. Do you think my friendship with my college roommate can be salvaged, or should I slowly remove her and her new job from my life?

Sincerely,
Still healing

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Dear Still,

While many men’s and women’s advocacy groups would argue that the word survivor is a more empowering than the word victim, I absolutely agree with you when you say that over-using the former can often downplay the extent of the trauma suffered at the hands of another person. The reality is that anyone who has ever been made to feel helpless in such a way (at any age) has in fact been victimized, and constantly reminding that person they survived that victimization lessens the depth and severity of a horrific act, and resonates an echo that taunts, Hey! At least you survived! Yes, there are many people who survive the trauma of rape, and molestation, and other forms of abuse, because they are still alive. But just because you’re alive, that doesn’t mean you’ve survived.

Regarding your friend’s job, rather than looking at it like she’s doing you a disservice, look at it like she’s doing a great service for the community. If these offenders did not commit violent crimes, then chances are that they will, at some point, return to a normal life where, even if they are required to register as sex offenders, can easily slip under the radar. Try looking at it this way: It is better for the offenders to be given the tools they need to help alleviate and combat their unnatural desires through therapy, than not be given these tools and return to the outside world and offend again.

You don’t have to disclose this part of your past to your friend if you haven’t, or don’t wish to, but you might consider talking to her openly about why she’s chosen to work in this specific field. You can say something like, “You were so great with those girls, I was wondering what made you want to transition into what you’re doing now.” This will give her a chance to share her thoughts, and you’ll be able to hear first-hand what this type of work means to her, and why she does it. If you feel like you’re not ready for this approach, then maybe it’s best to keep your distance, for now. Give yourself time to think about what this friendship means to you, and ask yourself if you will be able to separate your friend from her work, and still be able to maintain this relationship. If you decide to continue this friendship, then you can always gently tell her (if the need arises) that you’re not comfortable discussing her work because of its sensitive, and often graphic nature. If she’s a good friend, she’ll respect you and won’t press the issue further. If you choose not to continue your friendship, then be aware that she might want to know why. This doesn’t mean that you have to tell her something you’re not comfortable disclosing, but it does mean that making a habit or avoiding, or not returning her phone calls can only last so long.

You mentioned that you haven’t told many people about the molestation from your childhood, and you should know that – that is okay. Many victims of child abuse never tell anyone about the abuse, but like you, go on to live healthy, functioning, and happy lives. Of course, you should know that seeking professional help is always an option, and it is always okay. Your friend’s new position working with child molesters (and possibly even explaining to you why she does it) could trigger your subconscious memories at unexpected moments, and in a way that you’re not ready to handle by yourself yet. A local support group, a one-on-one counseling session, or even a Web site where you can contribute anonymously (or read other people’s stories) could be beneficial, and teach you how to cope, survive and thrive by a definition greater than what you know now.

Wishing you all the best,
Sabrina

Newlywed without friends

Posted on December 8, 2010
Filed Under Advice, Marriage & Relationships | Comments Off

Salaam Sabrina,

I am almost 21 years old, and have no friends. I used to have friends in high school, but that was when I was smoking, partying, and living a very different life than I do now. I am newly married to a very supportive and caring husband, but find myself in a unique position of having absolutely no friends that I can call on to spend time with. The only connections with others (besides my great family) that I have are old friends with whom I no longer find anything in common, and [I often feel lonely and depressed]. I am working full-time and finishing my associates degree. [I am] shy and lack the confidence to make new friends. Is it extremely strange that my only true friend is my husband? Is being friendless OK?

LonelyGirl

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WS LonelyGirl,

It’s not that you don’t have friends, it’s that you don’t have friends yet. You’re obviously juggling a lot of life changes right now, and trying to fit a social life into a job, school, and learning life as a newlywed may not be as easy as you think. Of course that’s not to say that you shouldn’t have, or don’t need friends. We all need someone outside of our partner and immediate family (no matter how wonderful they are) to spend time with. But just as it’s important to make and have good friendships, it’s just as important to prioritize what’s most important in your life now.

Generally, the most common place to make friends is at school, or in your workplace. You mentioned that you’re currently getting your associate’s degree (that’s great!) but you could be experiencing a sort of hyper-commuter culture where the students in your classes, and on campus aren’t looking to make friends, but it’s not personal. Having said that, I’m sure your school has some sort of a directory of all the clubs, associations, and extra-circular activities on campus. Try looking up an MSA, or similar organization where your shy personality may have a little more room to breathe. Even if you can find a small group of kind people with whom you can grab lunch between classes, or even join for Friday prayers, that just might be the right dose of friendship you need at the moment.

You mentioned that you no longer have much in common with your old friends because you’ve made some life changes, but if you think there is anyone from your pre-marriage life that’s worth reaching out to (and only you will know if there is) then you might consider calling them up to reconnect. There is a possibility that some of your single, or unmarried friends may not feel like they can relate to you now that you’re married, and not only because you quit smoking (good for you!) and going out. If you have an old pal who is also in a relationship, maybe you and your husband could have the pair of them over for dinner, or the four of you could go out. If you’re not comfortable with that scenario, then you could spend some one-on-one time with your friend, just the two of you.

I don’t think it’s unusual that your husband is your only friend at the moment. Making new friends will take some time, and I would encourage you to enjoy any extra time you and your husband have together now, as life tends to get busy very quickly after marriage, as you probably already know. But if in the next year or so you find that you haven’t found anyone that you can relate to (outside of your spouse and family) then you may want to consider a different approach. It’s an absolute blessing that you and your husband are best friends, but for the long-term health of a relationship, it’s important to find interests and hobbies outside of each other.

Good luck,
Sabrina