Silence is golden on movie night

Posted on February 16, 2011
Filed Under Advice, Friendships | Comments Off

Dear Sabrina,

My boyfriend’s roommate just started dating a really great girl a few months ago. We get along really well, and I’m happy there’s another girl for me to hang out with when I’m at my boyfriend’s apartment. My boyfriend and I have gone on a number of double dates with his roommate and girlfriend, but there is a problem…she never stops talking during movies! She’s always asking questions, and making side comments, and it’s extremely embarrassing when we go to a movie theater. Once, a couple changed their seats because she kept talking through the movie!!! My boyfriend’s roommate won’t say anything because it might hurt her feelings, so my boyfriend and I have been talking about different ways to bring this up with his girlfriend without making anyone feel bad. Is there a right way to ask her to be quiet on movie night?

An avid movie watcher who just wants silence!

***

Dear Avid,

The next time the four of you are together, instead of going out to the movies, try renting a movie at home, and either you or your boyfriend should hang on to the remote. Every time the girlfriend asks a question, pause the movie, listen to her question, and say something like, “I think we have to keep watching to find out what happens.” When she makes a side comment, pause the movie again and gently ask, “Did you have another question?” Soon, she’ll realize that the movie is being interrupted because she’s interrupting it, and eventually she’ll learn to hold her questions and side comments. If she doesn’t get the hint — there is a very good possibility that she’s not trying to be disruptive, but is genuinely unable to keep up with whatever you’re watching — then you might want to reserve your movie dates for another couple, and do something more socially interactive with your boyfriend’s roommate and girlfriend such as dinner or game night.

All the best,
Sabrina

Un-kind words lead to silent treatment

Posted on January 26, 2011
Filed Under Advice, Marriage & Relationships | 2 Comments

Dear Sabrina,

I’ve been married for almost two years, and my mother-in-law can be a real pain. She’s a know-it-all, and very talkative, which is a stark contrast to my personality. Recently, my husband and I spend time with his folks (they live a few hours away, so we don’t get to see them very often) and my mother-in-law got on my last nerve. She’s very critical about everyone she meets, and always wants others to know what a great wife and mom she is. She is very quick to talk negatively about how other people raise their kids, and how all other women could never be as good a wife to their husbands as she has been to hers. My husband’s Nana recently moved in with his parents, and because my father-in-law works full time, my mother-in-law is left to care for Nana. Anyway, after a really trying week with my mother-in-law, my husband and I got into a fight on our way home. In a moment of built-up frustration, I said: I hope your parents die at the same time so your mom never has to live with us. I know I should’t have said that, but I had been biting my tongue all week. My husband was really mad, and gave me the silent treatment for a few days. Almost a week later, he’s only talking to me a little. Needless to say, the dinner table has been very quiet. I feel really awful about what I said, but I can’t help but thinking that if my mother-in-law is so annoying only two years into my marriage, she’ll only get worse with time. My biggest fear is that she’ll end up living in my house! I want to make things right with my husband, but I also value my sanity. What can I do to make things better?

Sincerely,
Feeling Awful

***

Dear Feeling,

If you want to make things better with your husband, you can start by offering him a very sincere apology; you owe him that at the very least. The next time you’re sitting together at dinner, find a moment to say something like, “I want you to know that I’m really sorry for what I said. I’m going to try and be more patient when I get upset, and also try and develop a better relationship with your mom.” Of course, if you say something like that, then you have to do your best to follow-through. Once you’ve said your piece, give your husband a chance to speak. If he chooses to stay quiet for the rest of the meal, that’s okay. Give him time to process what you said, and wait for him to come around — I’m sure he will.

The next time you’re visiting your in-laws, and find yourself in a situation where your mother-in-law is talking negatively about other people, wait for a pause in the conversation, and change the subject, or if you’re sitting amongst a group of people, find an appropriate time to get up and walk away without making it obvious. If/when your mother-in-law starts talking about what a great mom and wife she is, just bite the bullet and hang in there if there’s nowhere else for you to go. People who sing their own praises generally feel under-appreciated, and those words that seem to be coming from a place of self-righteousness are more often than not coming from a place of pain and insecurity.

The relationship that you have with your mother-in-law is still new, and it will take time for both of you to adjust to each other’s ways and quirks; remember, when you see someone else’s faults, they’ve probably seen yours too. You and your mother-in-law may never become the best of friends, but it will get better. Take things one day at a time, but be prepared for the possibility of a bumpy road ahead before she fully accepts and embraces the role you play in her son’s life.

All the best,
Sabrina

Deciding factors for a career change

Posted on January 19, 2011
Filed Under Advice, Career | Comments Off

Hi Sabrina,

I would really like to make a career change and I am feeling it now more than ever. Any advice on how to go about doing that and the things one has to take into consideration?

Kind Regards,
Janine

***

Hi Janine,

The deciding factors in making a career change are unique to each individual, but your current financial situation, along with your levels of education and experience will likely play the most significant role as you move forward.

If the field you’re looking to transition into is significantly different than what you’re doing  now, you should spend some time researching your new interest. Let’s say you wanted to transition from architecture to nursing. A profession like nursing will require additional schooling so you should ask yourself how much time, money and effort you’re willing to put into perusing this new career. If you’re married, you should also discuss a potential career change with your spouse. It’s always a good idea to talk openly with your partner about your plans, ideas and goals, and extend them the courtesy to weigh in with their thoughts. A career change may seem like something an individual (married or unmarried) decides on their own, but a new career could require relocating, travel, a change in pay, or new hours, which may directly or indirectly affect your personal or social life.

With the financial crunch still being felt all over the world, the best thing you could do for yourself now is to stay put, while keeping a close eye on other opportunities that interest you — it’s like they say, The best time to look for a job is when you have one. Before you put in your two week’s notice at your current job, spend some time updating your resume, researching possible employers, mailing out job applications, and thinking seriously about where you see yourself five years from now — and while you do that, you can even start a “Quitting Fund.”  That way, whatever you decide, at least you’ll have a little bit of money saved up to fall back on if you need it.

Best of luck,
Sabrina