bff Tina drove up to New York from Maryland a few weeks ago to throw me a baby shower. She came with her ideas, decorations and party spirit in tow, but since the party was at my place I thought it would be a great idea to lend my amazing skill set (at life) by trying my hand at Bakerlla (Angie Dudley’s) baby face cake pops.
(Image via Bakerella)
There’s a gentle suggestion at the end of the post where Bakerella explains the basics of making cake pops where she says cake pops might pose a bit of a challenge for a novice. She even offers up two alternatives: why not try a cake ball or a cupcake pop!?
But my heart was set on the baby faces. Also, I was all, “What? I ain’t no beginner at life, yo!”
I was potty trained at 15 months, left my elbow skin in the dust of my efforts to learn how to ride a two-wheel bike at age 6 and reached for the 11 during sit-and-reach in PE when the passing score for my age group was 7. AND THE BOARD ONLY WENT UP TO 10.
I don’t speak a word of Latin, but offer me a class AND I WILL SIGN UP FOR ADVANCED.
Sure, maybe my sense of self is clouded by the fog of my own delusions, but I’ll have you know I drove straight through that fog to go pick up my supplies.
I found most of the craft stuff (including the candy coating and food markers) at Michaels and picked up the cake mix and vegan marshmallows from Whole Foods. I couldn’t find candy necklaces anywhere on the planet (read: within a 5 mile radius of my home) and buying in bulk didn’t seem like the best option so I substituted the candy necklaces for Smarties.
And that was only the beginning of the many, many mistakes to follow.
Originally I’d taken a few dozen photographs of the baking process to tout my genius in a post here. But after what I now refer to as The Baby Face Cake Pop Disaster of 2013, I feel that it’s only right to skip to the end and share with you my finished product.
So here’s what the cake pops were supposed to look like:
And now, here’s what I turned out…
I’ll let you all digest this image for a moment. And once the Internet laughter dies down I’ll continue.
To protect you all from happening upon a similar disaster, I’ve come up with a list of what to avoid if you want to be successful at cake pop life.
1. Don’t accidentally buy icing instead of frosting. They are very different. You do not want to learn the hard way.
2. Put the wax paper on a baking tray before you start rolling the crumbled cake and frosting mix into balls. It is not a good idea to try to lift and balance 30 balls on paper and move them over to your baking tray and into your freezer.
3. Buy a proper and sturdy Styrofoam BLOCK from a craft store instead of buying unknown material that you think could be Styrofoam (but is most likely, definitely NOT) that’s SHAPED LIKE A CIRCLE from the Dollar Store.
4. Don’t assume that if you add enough candy coating onto a lumpy cake ball it will eventually smooth out the lumps.
5. Consider holding your candy melt mixture against your skin so there are no whispers about who the father of your baby is as everyone reaches for a cake pop.
6. Do not eat all the edges of your cake. This has nothing to do with the cake pop making process, but will help you avoid the excess mucous production that will likely follow your sugar-induced headache.
Since the icing (oops) and cake mix was so lumpy it was near impossible to smooth out the candy coating, which therefore made it impossible to write on with food markers. It was as if the markers had a secret meeting after watching me from the counter and were all, WE WILL BE NO PART OF THIS.
When I told to my dad about The Baby Face Cake Pop Disaster of 2013 he said, “That reminds me of this restaurant we used to go to where they’d bring out this bread that was so ugly…but it tasted delicious!”
Thankfully, like the bread, all our guests enjoyed the taste of the cake pops and forgave the presentation.
On the upside, when I asked our guests what they thought was decorating the cake pops my friend Tanya sweetly asked, “A pacifier?”
On the down side my friend Juhi said, “Oh…they only have one eye?”