The Journey Within: Part 7
Posted on April 1, 2010
Filed Under Journey | 29 Comments
“If I draw this, do you know what it is?” my uncle, Yawar asked, using his finger to draw a stick figure into the fibers of the carpet.
Uzma and I were huddled around him, sitting cross-legged on the floor in his living room. Yawar uncle and his wife lived in a part of India called Hyderabad, the city where my mom grew up, and where we would spend most of our Christmas break.
“It’s a stick figure,” I said.
“Yes, now what’s this?” he asked, drawing a box around the figure.
“You put him in a box,” I answered.
“Can we agree that he’s two-dimensional?”
“Um hm,” Uzma and I said in unison.
“If I take him, and put him here,” he said, acting out the motions of taking the stick figure out the of the box, and placing him elsewhere on the carpet in a standing position. “Now he’s in our three dimensional world. Up until now, he had no idea there was anything outside of two dimensions. We could see him, but he couldn’t see us.”
Just because he couldn’t see our dimension, that doesn’t mean it didn’t exist, I thought to myself. I started to understand where he was going with this.
“So if [God], glory be to him, has told us in the Qur’an that He has created other dimensions in which the angels and jinn live, shouldn’t we believe Him even if we can’t see the other dimensions, or creations?”
I think Yawar Uncle was trying to gauge our spiritual intellect. How we responded to him now would set the tone for what he would and would not approach us with in terms of religion over the next few weeks. He and my aunt had invited us over for dinner, but my mom was the one that called ahead, and asked him to throw in a side of religion with dessert.
Yawar Uncle had been studying Islam for many years, and to say he was “passionate” about this religion would be like saying that I kind of like cake. It’s so far below an understatement that it needs to be given its own cultural reference. He was a wealth of Islamic knowledge, and spoke with with such conviction that it didn’t take long for Uzma and me to be engrossed by every word he said. Since we had just been reintroduced to this faith from a brand new perspective only weeks ago on our trip to Connecticut for Thanksgiving, I think our hearts were in a place where they were ready to be filled with the profound words and ideas that stemmed from religion, which up until this point in my life, stemmed from my daily TV time with Oprah.
As Yawar Uncle spoke more in detail about the scientists that have been trying to understand (since the early 1900s) things that God already said in the Qur’an, I found myself mystified by this faith that I had been born into, yet spent most of my life taking for granted. The conversation continued to move at the pace that Yawar Uncle set. He was a dynamic speaker, and we hung to his every word. He began talking about the importance of remembering the hereafter, and then quoted a “hadith,” (a Prophetic saying) of the Prophet Muhammad, which I will remember until the day I die.
“A man came to the Prophet, and asked him to compare the life in this world, to the life in the hereafter,” my uncle said. “The Prophet said to [the man] ‘If you dip your finger into the ocean, and take it out, the water left on your finger is like this world, and what’s left in the ocean is what’s still to come.’”
In that moment, the room began spinning, and I could feel my heart thumping so furiously in my chest, I feared its vibrations might split the earth in half. Without knowing it, Yawar Uncle was shooting lightening bolts of self-reflection through my body that hit deep in my soul, stinging with realization and regret. In a sweep of his words, I found myself questioning, for the first time, what my purpose in this life was. I can’t explain why I was so profoundly effected by those words, but they resonated through my body long after my uncle said them, and with each echo, the weight of those words hit me harder then before. The room spun faster, and I felt my mind retreat to a place where I saw flashes of my entire life. I imagined that what I felt was similar to a person who comes face-to-face with death, and is not ready to go.
This was a defining moment for me, and with those words, I knew that my life was about to change forever.
***
We celebrated the coming of 2003 in India with family and friends. I was sick with a stomach virus on New Years Eve, and had passed out on a small cot in the living room of a family friend’s house just moments before midnight struck in our city. The TV was on a a channel tracking the coming of the New Year in every Asian country, and all I can remember is running to the bathroom to vomit somewhere between the celebrations in Sri Lanka and Thailand. I also remember thinking that I’d never eat seafood in India again.
But being sick wasn’t so bad. It had only been three months since the Fall semester of my sophomore year started, but those months had been an explosion of chaos in my personal life. At least stomach pain and vomit were tangible – but the pain of an aching heart? I’d prefer to wrestle a pack of African wild dogs. Back at school, I found solace with my close friends, but now that I was 3,000 miles across the planet, the unsettling feeling that had rooted itself deep in my solar plexas seemed unshakable. It loosened its grip at times during our vacation – during moments of laughter, or short outings in the city, but it always came back with vengeance, taking me mentally back to a place I wasn’t ready to go.
But something happened one night while were were at my Uncle Yawar’s house. After dinner, we all stood to pray in congregation, and for those eight or nine short minutes, I felt completely without burden for the first time in my life. My uncle’s recitation of the Qur’an danced through the house, and though I couldn’t understand what he was saying, the verses he read felt intoxicating, and I felt an unwavering peace that I never knew could exist. Although I had been preforming “Salah” (the ritual prayer Muslims are required to preform five times daily) since I was 4 years old, I never did it consistently. But suddenly I was filled with an unquenchable thirst to stand in prayer for as long as my legs would allow me. I couldn’t remember the last time my heart felt so at ease, or the last time I felt such a sense of security, and I realized that this waterfall of calm, this life preserver for my heart was only attainable through Salah.
***
I headed back to school in January a few weeks early to take a Winter Session class; The Short Prose of Kafka taught by my German professor. Campus was relatively quiet since most students were still on break. A few of my hall mates had returned for classes, but Maddie was still at home in Maryland, which meant I had the room to myself for a little while longer. My mind was in a different place than it had been a few weeks ago — there was so much contemplation to be done after everything I had learned since November. I wanted to stay in that secret garden of peace that was so easy to find when I was with my uncles, but this was the real world, and here, the gardens were filled with pain and confusion. As I walked into my room, the phone was ringing. It was a single ring, which meant an on-campus call. I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hey!”
It was Jeff. Baseball players had to return to campus early, and most of them also enrolled in a Winter Session course.
“Hey,” I said.
“You’re back!?”
“Yeah.”
“How was your trip?”
“It was really good.”
“So…you didn’t call.”
“Yeah, I just got in,” I said. “I’m still bringing stuff up from my car.”
“Do you need help?”
“No, I’m almost done.”
“Wanna grab something at ‘The Cafe.’?”
“Umm, okay…”
“See ya in a minute,” he said.
And I hung up the phone.
Jeff and I had lunch with some of his friends, and then he walked me back to my room. I knew I needed to say something, but what exactly, I wasn’t sure.
“A lot changed for me in these last few weeks,” I started, taking a seat on the lower of the two bunk beds; Maddie had the top.
“I…I…feel like…” I didn’t even know where to start, or how to articulate the feelings I had in my heart that were still so ripe.
“I know what you mean,” Jeff interjected. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things…about us.”
He walked across the room, and sat beside me, leaning forward, resting his forehead against mine.
“Sabrina,” he said, cupping my right hand in both of his. “You can trust me. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I swear to you, I’ve changed.”
I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach, and I turned my head away from his, wiping away the tears that had started to form more quickly than I anticipated.
“I need to pray and stuff,” I said, standing up and walking toward the door. “I’ll call you later.”
“Are you sure you’re going to call me later?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, closing the door behind him.
I pulled my prayer rug from the tiny shelf in my closet, and unfolded a scarf to cover my hair with. I knew Jeff would make it to the cul-de-sac in the parking lot just beneath my second-story window, and wait for me to wave before he walked back to his building like he always did. But this time, I didn’t meet him by the window. Instead, my feet stayed planted on my prayer rug, and I checked my reflection in the mirror adjusting my scarf so that every hair was out of sight. My heart was in my stomach, and I knew that the only relief from this discomfort would come through Salah — God was the only one who understood me, even when I didn’t understand myself. As I raised my hands to my shoulders, and whispered the first praise of God said to begin every prayer, tears raced in tango down my cheeks, hugging the curve of my jaw, and diving from my chin to the mat beneath my feet.
I recited every verse slowly, clearly, and slowed my movements. I wanted to stay in this comfort for as long as I could because very soon, my entire world would come crashing down.
***
This post is part of “The Journey Within” series. If you’re just joining us, you can click here to catch up.
Comments
29 Responses to “The Journey Within: Part 7”
Leave a Reply
Wow, this has to be one of my favourite installments so far! I love the way you describe things in such vivid detail. It makes the reader feel everything you are feeling too, which is the best kind of story.
love you.
cant wait to see what happens.. but i’m pretty sure you end up moving to LA and i don’t see you for like 2 years… yea something like that.
MashaAllah! I absolutely love this post!
Wow, this entry took my on a roller coaster filled with emotions. Right now, I’m ready to cry. The tears are only seconds from spilling, from leaving the sill that they’re balancing on. In ways, where you’ve been is where I am.
Now that I’ve taken my shahada, and I’m starting to make changes, the hardest decisions are what I fear most…and the aftermath of the explosion that will come.
MashaAllah..This post was incredible!
Having gone through a recent phase of spiritual awakening, I completely recognize and relate to all the hardship you were going through. The part that really hit me was the encounter with Jeff, because I did questionable things with this guy I know (nothing beyond conversation, of course, but even that is a sin), and I even went so far as to get into a car with the same person, alone. Ironically enough, my dad saw him drop me off one day, and I couldn’t help but think that this was Allah’s way of reprimanding me for what I did.
It’s really difficult sometimes to stay committed to Islam, especially in the West, and especially in high school. With the identities “Muslim”, “Canadian”, and “Somali” attached to my persona, each are struggling to find a delicate yet perfect balance. But I guess what we need to realize is that when we feel marginalized and isolated, we should keep in mind that Allah is always by our side.
Thanks for this great entry, can’t wait inshaAllah for the next one!
Mashallah, thanks for sharing that. I can totally relate. I think it’s so hard to cope with past mistakes especially if you born into a Muslim family (but not a religious one) and you don’t feel like you get the same benefit of converts when you are back to practicing Islam devotedly. I’m always wondering if I will be forgiven for the “unforgivable” mistakes that are mentioned in the Quran. There are certain sins that Allah says is unforgivable. How can one repent and seek His forgiveness if it says that they are not pardoned in the Quran?
I love this website and all of your “journey within” posts, but this one is my favorite. I cried!
@Maftuna, I thought that shirk was the only unforgivable sin
I’m a huge fan of the journey within as well.
Masha’Allah! This is the best segment so far. It feels very authentic and raises a lot of questions. I think so many of us will connect here on a personal level. This captures what it’s like to be at the cusp of a life change. I look forward to reading more.
girl you have me hooked on to The Journey Within. I agree with the comment above, this has got to be my favorite part with so many emotions and an amazing way of describing each detail. I feel like i can relate to so much of what you said which makes me crazy anxious for the next part!!!! I am so happy youre writing this, it makes people relate, it makes a person think, n overall it always makes me appreciate being a Muslim
may Allah bless you with the best of his blessings in this life and the hereafter! Ameen.
Salam Alaykum
Dear Sabrina, i am totally engaged with ur site and always waitin’ for latest hilarrious posts from you. I like to see your views and perspestives about Islam from your own way. I would to share with you this site
alhabibali.com
alhabibomar.com
very interesting n dear to our soul.TRUST ME hehehe
Hmm… You really stopped this segment in an interesting place. Think we need to see Part VIII really soon here so we don’t start biting our nails again
i really appreciate how you are sharing things that many people would want to hide about their past…it’s a strong gesture to help others draw strength in themselves, to know that even though we’ve made mistakes, we can still move forward in a different direction in a positive way and that although growth can be painful, it’s always possible..
i love these a lot.
oh and in one of the sentences there’s a typo you put “angles”. i think you meant “angels”.
Asalaamu ‘alaykum <3
@ Sabrina: you’re a talented writer mashaAllaah, however after reading I can’t help but think of how we’re supposed to hide our sins and not talk about them openly inshaAllaah. I understand you’re writing about your triumph over sin and coming to Islam, but there is a hadith detailing how we should conceal sins and repent to Allaah SWT, and then not talk about them openly.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly, and it is part of committing sin openly for a man to do something at night, then in the morning when his Lord has concealed him he says: O So and so, I did such and such last night, when his Lord had concealed him all night, but in the morning he discloses that which Allaah had concealed for him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5721) and Muslim (2990).
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
As for the sinning believer, if he commits sin it is better for him not to do so openly and not to tell anyone about it, and to conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah and repent from it. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly”. Those who commit sin openly are those who do bad deeds then in the morning they tell people what they have done. The one who does any of these filthy things should conceal himself with the concealment of Allaah and repent to Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, and should not tell anyone about it.
Hence al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah be pleased with him) stated: If a person commits a sin and Allaah conceals him, I prefer for him to conceal himself and repent.
If someone commits a sin, it is best not to tear away the covering with which Allaah conceals it from other people.
So @ Dust n Roses, it is a good thing when people try to hide the sins of their past.
@ Maftuna & “Never Ever”:
Alhumdulillaah, because of Allaah SWT’s mercy, there are no “unforgivable” mistakes IF one repents and seeks His forgiveness.
Sincere repentance from sin is an expiation for sin, and Ibn Maajah narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The one who repents from sin is like the one who did not sin.” And subhanAllaah, Allaah will turn ppl’s bad deeds into good deeds. No sin is too great for Allaah to forgive for the one who repents, rather He forgives shirk and other sins for those who repent, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Say: O ‘Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft?Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[al-Zumar 39:53]
http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/46683
I agree with the above post about the concealment of sins etc…but Im sure that Ive read somewhere that sins can be disclosed and talked about if doing so will help someone else. Sometimes talking about personal experiences helps to explain things, situations, stories, messages better.
Personally the message I get from “The Journey Within” is of morality, not immorality and the inclusion of the personal indiscretions is a huge part of this. I can connect to it on so many different levels and Im glad Sabrina that you have the courage to write about it so openly. It allows me to know that Im not the only one feeling this and that so many people have been on this journey before me and manyyyy more will follow. So cant we learn from each other?
@ Muslima,
Thank you sister for the reminder. I thought shirk was not one of the forgivable even if you repent. I don’t have any proof of that so maybe I was mistaken.
May Allah guide us to the right path and forgive our sins.
Subhan’Allah I actually said all that?? Of course I love your writing. But this is very special. May Allah make you a witness for me when I stand before Him. Allah and His Glory is my kick. That is what I get high on, that is what drives me, that is what gives me life and takes away the tiredness. And the best of that is His Word, to listen to it, to read it, to recite it, to understand it and to try to live it. When I am gone I would like to be remembered as, ‘He loved the Qur’an.’ Remember what I told you when you told me that you were going to this college where you would be the only Muslim? I said, ‘Allah often sends only one Nabi to a people. So you are the one Allah is sending to those people.’ Not a Nabi of course but a servant of our Nabi Muhammad (SAS) sent as his Khaleefa (what is the feminine version of that??) to take the Word of Allah to them. And of course I am going to let you tell that story. I know that one day you asked me to send you some of my recitation because your friend (forgot his name) loved to listen to it. Ah!! I will come here again and read more. Jazakallahu khairan for writing so beautifully Sabrina-ma.
Would like to respond to the comment below:
Maftuna on April 2nd, 2010 8:55 am
Mashallah, thanks for sharing that. I can totally relate. I think it’s so hard to cope with past mistakes especially if you born into a Muslim family (but not a religious one) and you don’t feel like you get the same benefit of converts when you are back to practicing Islam devotedly. I’m always wondering if I will be forgiven for the “unforgivable” mistakes that are mentioned in the Quran. There are certain sins that Allah says is unforgivable. How can one repent and seek His forgiveness if it says that they are not pardoned in the Quran?
What you are saying refers to the one who dies without asking pardon for those sins. For example the one who used to associate others with Allah and dies without asking pardon. Such a person, Allah said that He will not forgive. However for the one who asks pardon, for any sin at all, Allah forgives and not only does he forgive but the sin is converted to a good deed. See Surah Al Furqaan Ayah: Furqan 25: 70. Except those who repent and believe (Islâm), and do righteous deeds, for those, Allâh will change their sins into good deeds, and Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
There are three conditions of Tawba (Repentance): That you are sincerely contrite and repentant.
That you make good anything that you harmed someone else with.
That you hate to repeat the sin that you are repenting for and never repeat it.
As long as you do that Allah will forgive absolutely any sin at all and it is obligatory to have complete faith in Allah’s forgiveness and never to despair. For despair is to deny His forgiveness and that is kufr (denial of Allah or any of His attributes).
Thank you brother Yawar for your reply. You’ve given me more hope than you can imagine. May Allah bless you and your family.
Ameen Ya Rabbee. Islam is all about hope. Allah said in a Hadith Qudsi, ‘When my slave comes to me with the whole world full of sins, and asks for my forgiveness without associating anyone or anything with Me, then I will meet him/her with an equal amount of mercy.’ In another Hadith Rasoolullah (SAS) said, ‘On the Day of Judgment, Allah will call a slave and ask, ‘Did you not do such and such?’ The slave will say, ‘Yes My Rabb, I did.’ Then Allah will ask, ‘Did you not do such and such?’ The slave will admit and say, ‘Yes My Rabb I did it.’ This will go on for all the sins that the slave did as long as Allah wills. Then the slave will say, ‘O My Rabb, I beseech you, when I committed all these sins in the world, You hid them from the people and nobody knew about them and people thought well of me. But today, they are all here and are watching and today I have been disgraced before all of them.’ Allah will say to him, ‘Turn around and look.’ The slave will turn around and look and will see that there is a curtain between him and the people and nobody can see him. Allah will say, ‘O My Slave, I hid your sins in that life and I am hiding them now. This meeting is only between you and Me. Now I am forgiving you. Enter the Jannah.’
I ask Allah to make us that slave.
Salam <3
:')
i came on to see if the next part was up. ended up reading Yawar (guess your uncle?)’s comments. wow. in just two minutes you have enlightened me! jazakAllah khair !!!
)
i have always enjoyed learning about others defining moment. may God bless u and family in this dunya, and in akhirah ya ukhti.
MashAllah… Ur Amazing… Very Inspiring… May Allah Continue Filling Your Life With Happiness… And May He Give You And Me The Hidayaah To Be Better Muslims… xD
I have to hand it to you Sabrina, you are one AMAZING writer! I have an exam tomorrow morning but instead of revising I’ve been sitting here reading your blog for the past 4 hours
Wow, i’m speechless :O
You should SO write this as a book and get it published, its awesome! And I love the way you refer to your husband as “boss” – its so cute
May Allah bless you always
Sabrina I love your blog!! You’ve been keeping me totally distracted and very entertained at work the last few days
I’m really enjoying the Journey Within and cannot wait for the next installment.
With all the craziness of life it’s easy to fall into a spiritual slump and I feel that reading your work helps lift me from the slump.
Thank you and keep writing!!
u shud do a post about how u met your husband
Masha Allah!! I just started reading ‘The Journey Within’ today!!
I love it alot! Really alot!
I already took part in the 500th entry giveaway..
n i didn’t write about TJW!
I’ve seen your advices, videos, family, life with the boss.. bt i missed this all these days!!
Nyway..I love your writing!!