The Real Reason People Should Stop Smoking

Posted on December 24, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Life in L.A. | 6 Comments

So yesterday, I ran to CVS to pick up a bottle of shampoo, but since the CVS next to our place doesn’t have the shampoo I normally use, and there are so many to choose from, I have to open every bottle and smell it first, and then read every word printed on the plastic, and then compare bottles two at a time until I’m satisfied enough to make a purchase. Basically, it takes about the same amount of time for me to find a bottle of shampoo as it does for a doctor to preform an appendectomy.

As I was reading all the fine print on the bottles, two women came running abruptly into the store, and headed straight for the shampoo aisle. Although the store was really crowded, it was fairly quiet until the woman who was 7′ 3″ started to speak. I wasn’t sure if that explosive sound I was hearing was coming from the words passing through her lips or if Krakatoa was erupting again. To make things worse, she smelled like a giant seven-foot cigarette butt, and the lingering smoker’s stench was so strong it was interfering with my shampoo sniff test. I slowly tried to move away from her, but she kept inching closer and closer to me like I had just given her an open invitation to come share my kidneys.

She kept asking her friend why they make different shampoo for men and women, only she was talking like 14 decibels louder than a blue whale like, “WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY HAIR AND A MAN’S HAIR? WHY CAN’T I USE MEN’S SHAMPOO? IS OUR HAIR REALLY THAT DIFFERENT?” I wanted to climb up her leg just so I could reach her eardrum and be all, “Who cares! Just buy the one that smells good, which is what I’m trying to do, but I can’t because you smell like rotten taco meat stuffed inside dirty gym socks, and IT’S A LITTLE DISTRACTING!”

Finally, the lady found a (woman’s) hair product she liked, but it was conditioner so she starts yelling, “WHERE’S THE SHAMPOO, WHERE’S THE SHAMPOO, WHERE’S THE SHAMPOOOOO?” And I kid you not, she literally shouted it THREE TIMES. I couldn’t take her bizarre (yet mildly amusing) behavior any longer, so I just got in line and bought the shampoo I had in my hand only to find out later that I don’t like ANYTHING about it, especially not the smell.

Did you hear that, Smokers? Now I’ll be using shampoo THAT SMELLS BAD for another SIX WEEKS. Maybe you should think about THAT the next time you want to light up.

(Oh, and also, your lungs might disintegrate. But you’ve probably already heard that one.)

Comments