The “Check List” Is Life-Long
Posted on November 30, 2009
Filed Under Videos | 9 Comments
A few weeks ago I asked you to tell me what some of the qualities were that you were looking for in a significant other, and what some of your marriage deal-breakers were. I love getting e-mails from you guys (they seriously make my day) but I’m always really surprised to find that so many of you write to me asking what you should ask a person before you decide to marry them. Tons of you want to know what I asked The Boss before we got married, but here’s the thing: I didn’t ask him any questions until after I accepted his proposal. Flawed logic? Maybe.
With The Boss, I truly fell in love with my best friend, so there was so much I already knew about him before we got married. I loved his views on the world, his stance on religion, his goals, his understanding of politics, the importance he gave to family, his future plans, and his views on women’s issues, which is why when he spontaneously proposed to me in a little deli in the middle of the day, it just seemed right. Up until that point, he had already become my hero in life, so when I said yes (actually, the exact word was “okay”) I knew that I was in good hands. Kind of like Allstate. Actually, I think we have Geico, but that’s not the point.
Point is, I don’t really know what the right questions are to ask because 1) I don’t really know as much as I pretend to know, and 2) There are no right questions. Sure, there are the basics, but even the “basics” depend hugely on what each individual wants out of their life. For example, a career-driven woman might find it essential to ask her future husband how he views women raising children. A woman who wants to excel in her profession may not want to raise children, and that is very important to discuss. There might be a man out there who dreams about moving his parents into his home when his parents get old so that he can take care of them. If that’s the case, it is imperative for that man to talk openly about living in an extended-family system with his future wife.
There were a million things I learned about The Boss over the course of our friendship so the questions I asked him after we got engaged were specific to our situation. Even now, we continue to ask each other questions, and discuss the best ways to tackle certain situations — be it talks about future children, or how and when we should spend our money. But the reality is, no matter how many questions you ask pre-wedding, or how long you’ve known someone, you’re never really going to know everything about them. Marriage is a learning experience — a growing experience, and a life-long commitment to understand, and mesh your life and values with another human being. Each of us has to remember that the person we married/will marry was a whole and complete person for 20-something years before we ever stepped into their life.
And at the end of the day, a stay at home mom, a working mom, living with your in-laws — none of it is right or wrong. It’s all about what works for each family. You have to find that balance, but in order to do that, you have to know what you want, so you can openly and honestly present it to your partner.
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9 Responses to “The “Check List” Is Life-Long”
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Haha that last part of your vid was so funny.
I’ve always thought that it’s really important for both spouses to ask each other questions before marriage. I came across this website which has a list of 100 questions – obvs you should choose just a few select ones from there and not the whole 100 or you might just scare your spouse away
This list is specifically for questions to ask a husband though, I’m sure if you look around you can find one for women too.
Here’s the link: http://www.jannah.org/sisters/queshusbands.html
awesome video sabrina
SO true.
Be friends first, the rest will fall into place.
“I knew that I was in good hands. Kind of like Allstate. Actually, I think we have Geico, but that’s not the point.”
LOL!!!
I really enjoyed this post Sabrina. These are really important questions to ask, I’ll have to keep them in mind (;
This was an excellent post. Thanks for sharing.
Interesting you mention 20-something years as the time of meeting one’s future spouse. In my case, it’s 45 and counting, and in the case of the guy I have had my eye on for the past 6 years, it’s 55 and counting… I believe it is better to wait to marry until one’s hormones have calmed down enough that they are not a deciding factor, and preferably not a factor at all. If you let hormones have that kind of a role, you risk a situation where it’s not God but hormones that draw you together – in other words, you risk ending up in a relationship based on idolatry. So I am REALLY glad I’ve waited and I’d gladly wait even the rest of my life.
Nice topic. For sure learning about your spouse is a life long endeavor but I think there’s always those preliminary questions that are always key things to know before you marry someone. What is your image of marriage? What is your image of family? How do you define religiosity? So on and so forth.
Anyhow…I always get emails with “101 or 200 questions to ask your potential spouse” and they always crack me up. Once I read the question, “Would you hold my hand in public?”
I also recently learned that “Have you been checked for STDs” may be a good question to ask =D
Oh wow, I’m a little different from your typical, date for 2-3 years then get married situation. Three months after I met my husband, we were married. But it had a lot to do with God. As in, our faith is what seriously brought us together. It’s how we met, it’s how we fell in love. The questions were there of course, but everything just fit. And when he asked me at the airport in front of everyone to marry him, like you there was no doubt in my mind I would be in good hands.
Hmm, I agree with you mostly Sabrina. Except, life didn’t play out that well with me. At my college I was surrounded by really handsome, cool men who I wished were my brothers lolz (I later self-analyzed this as my desire to be cool-by-association, meh, I was wierd like that.)
With Mr. Ozturk though, something clicked the first time I saw him and spent the next month willing him and praying to Allah to send him towards me.
Months after we got married and during one of our typical lenghty conversations, he admitted he’d been praying similarly the entire time as well.
His mission in life is to have fun while staying well within halal-limits, and he sensed that in me as well (he witnessed me listening Linkin’Park one minute and then hurry out to catch the sisters’ jama’a).
My question to him was “are you going to help me become a better person and Muslim?” And he promised me that he will.
We got married a year following our first meeting. I admit some of that may have had to do with hormones =D But I’m glad my hormones only flared when I saw Mr. Ozturk and not towards some other less-than-husband-material kids hehe.