Finding My Way “Home”

Posted on October 20, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Family, Life in L.A., The Boss | 19 Comments

When The Boss and I got married last year, the happy feelings I felt were mixed with a tinge of sadness. I felt like marriage was the final push into the second half of my life, and although I knew in my mind that – that time can bring great things like children, and a new career, I couldn’t stop thinking about leaving my family behind, and someday, even losing a parent — something that both my parents have already experienced.

While The Boss and I honeymooned in St. Lucia, ate delicious food, snorkeled with tropical fish, and zip lined through the rain forest, I couldn’t help but feel like there was something missing — like there was someone missing.

One night, after getting back to our villa, The Boss and I sat quietly on the bed together. Normally, even the times we sit together in silence are times of comfort, and the compatibility is so strong, it’s as if words would only be cumbersome. But that evening there was something in the air that I had never felt before.

“Are you having fun?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “Are you?”

“Yeah, a lot of fun.”

Silence again.

“I kind of miss my mom,” I said, suddenly overcome with emotion.
I lowered my head, and fiddled with the bracelet I had on my wrist.

“Yeah, I wish everyone was here to enjoy this,” he said. “Do you want to call home?”

“YES!” I jumped to my feet, and grabbed the phone.
I didn’t want to be the one to suggest it — I was relieved that it was his idea.

We called our parents, and they sounded so excited to hear from us — though I don’t think they were nearly as excited as we were. When we got off the phone, the mood in the room was calm again, and The Boss turned to me and said, “I’m glad we called. I feel better.”

“Me too,” I said.

Before we got married, The Boss and I scheduled time for pre-marital counseling with a Sheikh, or religious teacher, whom we both really trusted. He helped us to better understand the rights and responsibilities that come with marriage — something that is not taken lightly in Islam. But during those sessions, I had a hard time understanding how my spouse could become the most important person in my world. I couldn’t understand how the man I married suddenly held a position higher than the woman who birthed me, the man who protected me, and the sibling who I ran to for advice. My teacher said it would be a gradual transition, and with wisdom, and understanding, compassion and kindness on both our parts, there would never be a time when The Boss or I felt like we had to love anyone else any less.

I cherished every moment The Boss and I spent together, but I couldn’t help wondering, if I was married, who would go to the annual car shows in D.C. with my dad, hang out with my mom until 1 a.m. laughing at nonsense, or exchange style tips with my sister?

I cared so deeply for The Boss, and was excited about what our future held, but I felt an emptiness inside when I saw that look of completion on the faces of my parents at our wedding 15 months ago — the same look that was there last weekend when my sister got married.

Over the last three and a half months, I’ve loved every moment of living in L.A. I miss my family, but we talk so often, it never feels like we’re nearly a dozen states apart. But it was last week, when The Boss and I went back to the place we spend the first 10 months of our life together, and to the place where I grew up, did I realize how much I truly missed home.

It had been nearly four months since I drove my car, and felt the way it hugged the bends in the roads I knew so well — four months since I stood on the carpet in my childhood living room, or slept in the bed that cradles my back so perfectly — four months since I took a breath so deep, the chill of the autumn air stung my nose just enough to let me know snow was coming soon.

The Boss and I now refer to more than a few places as “home,” and last week, I started to feel uneasy about doing that. As much as I want to build my life and home with the man I married, I want to be able to eat Sunday dinners with the whole gang the way we used to — make that six-hour drive up to New England on a whim, and run over to my sister and new brother-in-law’s place, just because.

But that’s not how life is at the moment.
And I don’t know when it will ever be that way again.

The day before our return flight to L.A., my pseudo-little sister stopped by to drop off some gifts she got for The Boss and me. In the bag was a road map of California, a toffee colored throw, and something that put peace in my heart about returning to L.A.

The moment we got home, late Wednesday night, I opened my suitcase, pulled out the third gift, and ran outside

“Where are you going,” The Boss asked, following me out the door.

“I’ll be right back,” I said.

I set it down, and took a good look at what this gift symbolized.
It’s a beautiful reminder that home, albeit temporarily, is where we are right now.

Comments

19 Responses to “Finding My Way “Home””

mariaaa on October 21st, 2009 3:06 am

awwwww
Shizra on October 21st, 2009 4:29 am

aww
love your writing style, very touching.
much lovee <3
=)
Samiya on October 21st, 2009 7:27 am

You know, I was wondering to ask you how you feel being so far away from your parents. But I didnt had the courage to ask you.. but now I know.

I had the same feeling on my honeymoon also 15 months ago. My parents dropped us at the airport and after walking through immigration services I felt this emptiness.. I tried to stay strong, but when the plane took off to Dubai, i started crying buckets of tears. When my hubby asked me why I cried, I sobbed: its the first time I am travelling so far without my parents!

The minute we arrived we called our parents and both felt better. Last year when we went to Kuala Lumpur we even bought a Malay SIMcard, so we could our parents everyday for almost nothing.. and it made our holiday wonderful.
Samiya on October 21st, 2009 7:30 am

Correction: We went to Kuala Lumpur this year
Janine on October 21st, 2009 7:40 am

Sabrina you always manage to put exactly what I feel and can’t express, into such beautiful words.
Sarah on October 21st, 2009 8:57 am

sigh…i was brought down to tears on reading this …keep up the good work Sabrina
Humaira on October 21st, 2009 9:43 am

Sabrina, this was beautiful and you put into words something I am hugely uneasy about.

I can’t imagine living without my mum and dad and siblings, but its nice to know iA there is hope!
autumn twig on October 21st, 2009 11:20 am

a very sweet post

btw, could you please tell me more about this marital counseling and how I can seek Islamic help online?
nashe on October 21st, 2009 2:08 pm

I kinda wish I had more than one place to call home.
Muslim Girl on October 21st, 2009 3:09 pm

What a sweet post.

I feel like before marriage there’s always that excitement of imagining how life will be like with you and your spouse on your own, but perhaps after marriage you cherish the time you spent with your parents and siblings
Olga on October 21st, 2009 8:38 pm

I have just the opposite – I “lost” my home without getting married – my parents divorced about 4 years ago and so I haven’t had this family atmosphere for a while now

so for me getting married one day is a huge chance to get my family back (or at least closer) together and start new traditions, and I really hope it will work out – so I am not worried about losing my parents, but I can’t wait to get them back
Sara on October 21st, 2009 11:47 pm

I cherished every moment The Boss and I spent together, but I couldn’t help wondering, if I was married, who would go to the annual car shows in D.C. with my dad, hang out with my mom until 1 a.m. laughing at nonsense, or exchange style tips with my sister?

- Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I feel like although this is something that is innate amongst a lot of us, we have to realize that we aren’t losing relationships but making new ones and allowing our old ones to evolve. Nonetheless it is a change that I guess none of us can escape.
Sudzy on October 22nd, 2009 12:14 am

masha Allah this is one of the most touching entries I have read. It almost brought tears to my eyes.
You sure have a talent Sabrina….and know how to use it well. Masha Allah.
Moonstar on October 22nd, 2009 12:53 am

Wow..what a beautiful post sabrina….living away from home, no matter how pretty the place is or how comfortable my apartment is, it’s not the same without my parents..and I feel this emptiness everyday…
Zpurpleify on October 22nd, 2009 6:45 pm

Wow, masha allah, it’s been running through my head too, although I’m ready for my new life, I can’t begin to imagine how different it will feel without my family… Good to know I’m not on my own! =D
Chuckle on October 22nd, 2009 8:04 pm

I absolutely love your blog.
Leslie on October 22nd, 2009 8:14 pm

very normal and very common feelings. especially after marriage )) it may leave for awhile but it will soon come back. missing family, missing hometowns. pretty sure most people especially those who had good and happy upbringing.. will exp the same.
Fatima on October 28th, 2009 3:43 am

Oh boy, I understand how you feel.
It’s been 18 months since I’ve gotten married.
The idea of losing parents also terrified me when I realised that I’m getting married..and perhaps have kids someday, but, I didn’t even get to meet 3 of my grandparents! I had a mild panic attack at that point and would call my mother for stupid things just to make sure that she and my dad were fine.
I couldn’t merge the two to get an equilibrium for quite a while!
I felt like hopping in a car to go back to my parents for stupid things, but I realised that they live 2 hours away and I couldn’t.

Now, they live on a whole other continent, a whole different season away and guess what? I’ve somewhat stopped feeling so down about it all.
Shaz on July 27th, 2010 8:38 am

Hey, Assalamu Alaikum. You write beautifully. I was totally inspired. I just came across your site. Started with the fajr at Dockweiler (which is inspiring–I’ve always wanted to do that too!)-and then kept reading. May Allah (swt) bless you and your Boss with health and happiness always. It’s scary to leave home–I tend to rethink “rishtas” that are far, b/c I worry that I won’t be here if my parents need me, or that I won’t have the option to negotiate where we live if I end up unhappy in the move. But then is it worth sacrificing potential life companionship? If you ever get a chance, by the way, I would love to know who you recommended for premarital counseling. I know a lot of churches require it for their members before marriage, and I always wanted to do that too.