If California breaks off the mainland, it won’t be because of global warming, It will be because of the five trillion tons of goose poop that fell from the sky right in the middle of L.A.

Posted on July 31, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Life in L.A., The Boss | 14 Comments

I went to school in Virginia Beach, which is only a few miles away from Norfolk Navy Base — the world’s largest Naval Station. My senior year of college, two of my girlfriends and I got an apartment close to the water, which was closer to the base than campus. When we got our place, it never occurred to us to ask someone if fighter jets would fly over our house EVERY SINGLE DAY at 7 a.m.
The sound of those planes overhead would shake our windows so violently for approximately 8.1 seconds each morning that I’d be thrown into a dizzy scare, and start reciting all the Before-You-Die Prayers that my mom taught me because I was convinced that the Armageddon had come. But then while I was praying, I would get really mad because if my end was near that meant I would never get to see Jesus come back.

We never got used to the thunderous sounds of trained killers with wings sweeping over our rooftop at supersonic speeds, but eventually the shaking windows weren’t as frightening — and I for one regained hope that maybe I would get to meet Jesus after all.

After I left Virginia Beach and moved back home, I was woken up weekly by the guys that mow the lawn (way too early) at my mom’s house, and by our neighbor’s children playing outside (way too early) in the summers.
But there had yet to be anything that could compare to the heart-exploding, eye-popping, urine-inducing frightful wake-ups of those planes –

Until…
I got married.

The Boss sets the alarm clock on his cell phone to decibels mostly likely illegal in at least 30 of our 50 states, and to make things worse, the guy is a Snoozer. You know the Snoozers right? They’re the ones who set their alarm for an hour before they have to get out of bed, and then proceed to repeatedly hit the snooze button.

And not only that, but his alarm is not a rhythmic sound, or tune. He claims that it’s the theme song from “Sonic the Hedgehog,” and even though we never had Nintendo as kids, I’m pretty sure that Sonic couldn’t talk, (only impatiently tap his foot when you waited too long to move the controller) yet somehow every morning I’m convinced that I hear words. LOUD words. Words that are being SHOUTED in my eardrum. Words that wake me up 55 minutes BEFORE anyone needs to get out of bed.

You see, The Boss and I both start our day at 7 a.m. He leaves for work, and then I hunt for jobs, run errands, and work on freelance projects. But when I set my alarm clock, I set it for 15 minutes before I have to be out of bed, not three days before like he does. I like to wake up gently, and naturally, like a child that opens his eyes for the first time after a water birth, not like some lunatic who’s going to spend the next 10 years paying for his neurologist bills.

The other day, after I told The Boss that his screeching hedgehog song was a disturbance to me, we agreed that he would set his clock for closer to the time he needs to be up, and because he won’t be able to Snooze as many times, I’d help him wake up by plucking a beard hair growing close to his lip out with my tweezers gently rubbing his back and saying, “Wakey, wakey halal eggs and bacy.”

It’s been a few days since we’ve made this change in our lives, and so far, it’s worked out well. But the other morning, I woke up to a sound that almost made me vomit. Just as I was about to pinch The Boss’s tricep making sure to get as little flesh as possible (because that hurts more) I realized that the noise wasn’t coming from his cell phone. We both looked out the window and saw 433,000 geese flying right over our apartment.

I have seen geese.
I have heard geese.
I have stepped in goose poop.

But NEVER in my life have I EVER heard geese make the kind of sounds they were making that morning. It must be time for their yearly migration, but they take this trip every year so what could they possibly be talking about?
Are they asking for directions? Because last I checked, the only way to fly south is to FLY SOUTH, and there is little to no direction-asking involved there.

Between the geese overhead, the cell phone under the pillow, and the latest addition of Kung Fu Ally Cat Fighters on the steps underneath our window, I think I’d rather wake up in a room full of screaming toddlers backed by an orchestra of vacuums picking up thumb tacks while a group of hairy men have a contest to see who can belch the alphabet the loudest.

P.S. The Boss just informed me that “Sonic the Hedgehog” was for Sega Genesis, not Nintendo, which only further proves that I wasn’t joking about my sister and I not being allowed to have any kind of gaming system as kids.

P.P.S. The Boss also just reminded me that L.A. is south, so technically the geese are done flying, which only makes the whole thing more annoying because if you already made it south, why are you still flying?

P.P.P.S. The Boss just said he’s not sure if the geese have started migrating yet.

Comments

14 Responses to “If California breaks off the mainland, it won’t be because of global warming, It will be because of the five trillion tons of goose poop that fell from the sky right in the middle of L.A.”

Lesley on July 31st, 2009 8:17 pm

i miss those planes…
mariaaa on July 31st, 2009 9:25 pm

lol nothing beats the cockle-doo of chickens (at 5AM!) when you’re visiting pakistan
Humaira on July 31st, 2009 11:27 pm

I must be 6 mentally, because the thing I laughed at was not the goose poop, but the wakek wakey halal bacey! Cos it reminded me of your PARK incident at the butchers and because it sounds funny!
caraboska on July 31st, 2009 11:35 pm

Well, the Bible says something about people being taken to heaven when Jesus comes back. And it says that of those who are to be taken up, the dead will first be woken up, and then those who are still alive. So being dead apparently to say the least doesn’t disqualify you from meeting Jesus

Exactly who will be taken up, and what circumstances will be present on Earth at that time, there are varying opinions. Predictions sometimes have a way of not becoming clear in their meaning until they’ve actually come to pass.

And that is another thing the Bible says: that we are not supposed to know the exact day and time. We’re just supposed to be ready at any moment. Fortunately, it does say more about how to be ready than it does about when it will happen.

Yes, there are varying opinions about how useful the Bible is in our time. For what it’s worth, I myself have been thinking it and living it for 30 years and still counting, and very rarely leave home without a copy of at least the Injil (in the original language, no less) in my purse
nihad on August 1st, 2009 12:15 am

ask ur hubby if he has a lost twin somewhere hehe….my hubby is also a snoozer who used to keep the alarm 1 hour earlier n such strange headahce inducing sounds emanating from it.
Mina on August 1st, 2009 11:08 am

You been awarded http://humblemuslimah.blogspot.com/2009/08/adorable-blog.html
sally on August 1st, 2009 1:54 pm

Im a snoozer! Especially on weekends. My husband hates it. LOL
atoona on August 2nd, 2009 5:49 pm

apartment close to the beach with friends during uni…that must have been awesome

and that “lunatic”‘s alarm.. wahahaa, he’s craazy!

and at least goose poop would be great fertilizer for the garden ;P
John W. on August 2nd, 2009 7:28 pm

Real funny post, specially cuz I’m a snoozer. As for caraboska, I think you’re looking way too deep into the post, and missing the point of it, I think the blogger was just being funny. Anyways, now that we got that debbie downer moment out of the way… Keep up the good work on your blog.
caraboska on August 3rd, 2009 10:47 am

I think John W needs to lighten up. I could see him making that comment if I’d proceeded to trot out all the relevant verses. Which I didn’t. Yet he is right – I am enough of a thinking person that I didn’t feel comfortable just stopping after the first paragraph. Anyone who reads it will do (or not do) with what I wrote as they please. The main point, however, is that being dead doesn’t disqualify the writer from meeting Jesus someday, if that’s what she wants
caraboska on August 3rd, 2009 12:43 pm

PS Another thing that was in the back of my mind as I wrote what I did before is that the Qur’an does state clearly that Jesus is going to come back (though AFAIK it does not say anything about people who are already dead being able to meet him at that time). And it appears the writer of this blog does take the Qur’an seriously, so the idea of her writing what she did ‘just to be funny’ didn’t even cross my mind.
Jen on August 3rd, 2009 2:16 pm

I’m married to a ‘snoozer’ too…and have lived with a couple too..lol.

My snoozer’s alarm is 6:15 even though his real get-up time is 6:45 so for 30 minutes have to deal with the lack-luster digital 90′s club mix called a ringer, courtesy of Motorola.

I had no video games growing up so I wouldn’t be able to distinguish which characters went with the gaming systems either. To me now (as an adult) trying to play video games is harder than driving a car…lol.
caraboska on August 3rd, 2009 8:24 pm

PPS Am self-employed, so alarm clock = 2 hungry cats chasing each other up, down, around and over my (not for long) sleeping person, complete with appropriate sound effects. And snooze function if I fail to show signs of life the first time.
Nikki on October 6th, 2009 1:44 pm

I miss those planes too and I miss my Bogies!

ps. Sabrina…you’re BEAUTIFUL!