The Anniversary Post, Starring Vomit and Muscle Spasms

Posted on July 15, 2009
Filed Under Daily, The Boss | 13 Comments

The Boss and I had plans to devour red velvet cupcakes and Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt, hit up some of  Cali’s local beaches, and then head off to San Diego for the weekend in celebration of our one-year anniversary. But on Friday night he said he wasn’t feeling too great, and on Saturday, he woke up with a solid 100-degree fever.

Since The Boss and I got married, we’ve both fallen under the weather a few times, and we’ve even had one major medication debacle, but I’d never experienced a fever with my new husband before. Since my mom was totally stellar at taking care of my sister and I when we were sick as kids, I knew that loads of sleep, lots of fluids, and a little extra care and compassion would pretty much do the trick. The Boss popped some Tylenol to bring down his fever, and some daytime cough and cold medicine to ease the congestion.

He kept telling me he was feeling better in hopes that we could go down to the water, and at least get a bite to eat, but I’m a huge advocate of listening to your body — and if your body says ‘sleep for 36 hours,’ then that’s what you have to do. But the little guy wouldn’t give up. He kept trying to convince me he was feeling better, and his pathetic attempts were…well, pathetic. His fever came and went all weekend, but luckily it never made it above 100. It crept around the 99-point-somethings, like that really annoying kid in elementary school that always stayed close to Base to ensure he’d never get tagged out.

When The Boss’s temperature finally dropped to 98.8 (only after taking Tylenol every four hours) he was all, “Wanna go get cupcakes?” and I was like, “Um. No” and was like, “Why?” and I go, “Because you have a fever” and he was like, “But my temperature is normal” and I go, “We’ll consider your temperature normal when it stays down without Tylenol” and he goes, “I’m better, watch.”
And then he got up started dancing, but it wasn’t like a happy, I’m Better Dance –  the dark circles under his eyes, and his colorless face totally made him look like a crack feign trying to preform a striptease, so I was like, “I’m not going to fund your drug habit,” in case when he finished he was expecting me to hand him a twenty, and then all of a sudden he stopped and goes, “Woah. I’m really dizzy. I need to sit down” and then I was like, “That’s why you should say NO to drugs.”

The Boss slept most of the weekend, but any time he got up, he’d try and convince me he was feeling good enough to go out. After a three-hour nap, he rolled over and goes, “I’m feeling better, wanna go get sushi?” and I’m like, “That’s probably the worst thing for you” and he’s like, “No, IT’S THE BEST THING!” and I’m like, “Really? Is this our conversation?” and then he rolled over and fell back asleep.

At some point, he started getting chills, and his body was hot, then cold, then sweaty, so I wrapped some ice packs on his feet, and put one on the back of his neck. Then he goes, “My sides are hurting,” so I looked down and saw that his lower abdomen was contracting so violently I thought he was about to give birth to a baby octopus.
Then I was all, Oh Lord, this could be the Swine Flu!

I got on the Internet, and found this video about Swine Flu, turned it up as loud as I could, and directed all my attention to what the man with the colorful patches on his uniform was saying. And then The Boss, who obviously didn’t appreciate that I WAS TRYING TO HELP HIM got all mad like, “I don’t have Swine Flu!” and I’m like, “Okay, that’s what you think, but it’s important to be sure” and he’s like, “You can’t just watch that in front of me” and I’m like, “Why?” and he goes, “Because you can’t watch a video about Swine Flu around a person who’s sick!”
The man in the video started rattling off all the symptoms of Swine Flu, most of which The Boss had, and that apparently annoyed The Boss more, because then he got off the couch to storm off somewhere so he couldn’t hear the Swine Flu video, but since we live in a studio there aren’t many options for places to go, so he walked two feet to the left, and got in bed.
AS IF SOUND CAN’T TRAVEL THAT FAR.

I continued to watch the video for a few more minutes, and then decided to call The Boss’s parents to let them know that there was a possibility that their son who lives 2,500 hundred miles away could be dangerously ill (because I’m sensitive like that) and when his dad picked up, I was like, “[The Boss] is sick,” and he laughed and goes, “I hope it’s not the H1N1″ and I go, “What’s that, Swine Flu?” and he goes, “Yeah” and then we both cracked up.

When we were getting ready for bed Saturday night, The Boss told me he was definitely going to feel better on Sunday, which was our anniversary, but early Sunday morning, around 4:15 a.m., which is just a little before we get up to pray the first prayer of the day, The Boss jumped from the bed and ran to the bathroom, which made me all happy because I was like, Man, this guy is so happy to be married to me, he’s going to go get cleaned up and do some extra worship this morning to thank God for this wonderful year we’ve spent together.
As I was about to let out a deep, contended sigh in honor of myself, I heard the lid of the toilet slam against the back container, and then I heard The Boss hurl.

Wow, I didn’t know I could have that kind of effect on someone.

In my family, when you were sick, someone always joined you in the bathroom while you were throwing up. I guess we thought that if SOMEONE STOOD OVER YOUR SHOULDER WHILE YOUR INTESTINES HAD A SLINGSHOT WAR WITH CHUNKS OF FOOD AIMED RIGHT UP INTO YOUR ESOPHAGUS it would totally help you.
But since I wasn’t sure if that’s what they did in The Boss’s family, I walked to the door, and was like, “Do you need help?” And he’s goes, “Yeah, can you hold my hair back?”
Now if you recall, The Boss cut his hair, so I’m not sure if the man I married just has a really awesome sense of humor even while his face is in The Pee Pit, or if he was making fun of my upbringing.

The good news was that The Boss’s fever broke and he started to feel better once he took his face out of the toilet. We prayed and got back in bed, but not before The Boss brushed his teeth and swished a little Listerine around in his mouth — a sign that we totally still newlyweds. I’m pretty sure when you’ve been married for like 39 years you don’t even get up to find the toilet. You probably just lift your head up, puke over the side of the bed, and then roll over like nothing even happened.

A few months ago, The Boss and I nixed our exotic travel plans to celebrate our One Year because his sister is getting married this weekend and we’re actually headed to New England in just a few hours. We didn’t think we could afford to take two trips — physically or financially, but even though our travel plans were pushed aside many months ago, I could tell that The Boss was totally bummed that we didn’t get to do anything “special” on Sunday. For those of you that have been following me for a while, you know that The Boss and I spend exactly 91 days apart when he first moved out here to L.A., so for me, just being able to spend this time together was special in itself.

In the end, we took a stroll downtown, picked up carry-out from an Italian cafe, and then spent the rest of the evening in our sweats — cuddled up on the sofa, eating out of plastic containers, and watching a dvd from our favorite series, “Planet Earth.”

And it was perfect.

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