Are babies the joy of life, or life-ruiners?
Posted on June 9, 2009
Filed Under Daily | 21 Comments
The summer after I graduated from high school, I worked with a guy who had been married for 50 years and never had any kids. He told me it was something he and his wife had decided on early in life, and they’d never had a single regret.
A few months ago, while watching an episode of Momversation, the topic was about Child Free by Choice, and similar movements where couples choose to remain child-free. Basically, people that are child-free choose not to have children. We’re not talking about people that can’t have children. We’re talking about adults that have decided to dedicate their lives to something other than raising a child — work, community service, travel, or even to their own partners.
Before The Boss and I got married, we talked about where each of us stood on having children — a conversation I believe is vital for every couple to have before you get married.
It wasn’t until recently that I had the opportunity to read up on some child free by choice material, and I want to know, Readers, what’s your take on the whole child-free culture, and what shapes your decision to have or not have kids?
Is it you, your family, religion, your spouse?
Could it be a woman’s biological urge that makes her yearn for the moment her body will spew out a bloody placenta, and then be forced to learn how to navigate sleepless nights and love handles?
Maybe it’s the desire to name someone Submarine Dan and you just really need a kid for that.
(I totally call dibbs on that name, btw.)
Do share your thoughts.
I really want to know what you have to say.
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21 Responses to “Are babies the joy of life, or life-ruiners?”
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I can definitely understand why people would choose to not have children (or at least delay it). Especially if they have other things to which they’d prefer to dedicate their lives (i.e. travel, community service, etc. as you mentioned). For me, I would feel as if I am incomplete not ever having a child, though. That’s because I love children, and I have a bit of a fascination with childbirth. Well, it’s a huge, scary fascination, really. Nothing like the Octomom, though. I am not currently married, but I have thought about my future related to children. I think that my religion (Islam) does have some bearing on my decision to have children, but more than that, it’s just my personal desire and the fact that my parents probably want some more grandbabies…
Hi!
i think usually its a combination of all the factors that u mention that people have babies for but u also need to really love kids to want to have kids… i love kids and i have premature greying hair with just 1 (doc calls it daily stress …i call it my daughter) but i would still love to have another..i totally understand wen people chose not to have kids watever the reason coz not all minds and hearts are wired the same way wen u talk bout kids
Asak, My husband and I have had infertility for the decade we’ve been married, but we have chosen not to do anything about it (as far as taking fertility medications) and have decided to leave it up to God, whatever the outcome is. Many in our families disagree with our choice not to treat our fertility with medication as they say part of faith is seeking a cure for the ailment, but we’ve stood by our choice — and this is coming from 2 people who before marriage discussed wanting 10 children.
I’m not sure if our not seeking treatment puts us in the category of child-free by choice, but the funny thing is, neither of us believes in birth control, so if all things were “working fine” I think we’d probably have those 10 kids by now
Oh, and I’m 29, and yes that biological clock does get to you at times — it was worse for me at 28 but hasn’t kicked in as hard this year.
I can see why people would want to delay kids, but to not have them at all I’m not sure. I’ve heard a lot of arguments like “we have too many people on earth already”, or “how can you raise a kid in today’s society?”. I don’t have kids yet, I do plan on having a few some day inshAllah, but my biggest worry would be, who’s going to take care of me when I get old? I’m not too comfy with the idea of strangers giving me a sponge bath. My two nickles.
I too understand that not everyone wants kids and I respect their choice. I just hope they respect mine as well.
I’ve never been able to understand why people have kids. I think when a kid is very young, they assume they will someday simply because Mommy and Daddy did, and everyone else around them seems to be doing it too. But that is just a matter of education.
What I mean is this: If that child is brought up to believe that societal expectation is not sufficient reason to have children, that they absolutely DO have a choice in the matter (and perhaps even are taught that the vast majority of people who do have kids are not doing it by choice, but because someone expects it of them), then it’s probably completely logical for them to later think of their life and goals in terms that provide no place for children.
When I was a teenager, I was unable to even appreciate that a kid is cute, or play with it. I was able to stand the presence of a child in direct proportion to its age: the same number of hours as the number of the child’s years of age.
Nowadays I can see that a kid is cute, even play ‘horsie’ (place kid on shoulders and gallop around – which kids love because I’m very tall, so they get to be BIIIIIIIG!). In short, I can be a good auntie. But it is a huge step between that and seeing a kid in a baby carriage on the street and thinking, ‘Oh, I want one of those for myself!’
If I were married, it might be fun to walk around at the zoo with hubby and see another couple with a baby carriage, and think it’s kind of neat that we could make one of those ourselves. If we wanted to. I even think from time to time, what it would be like to have a child myself. How would I acquit myself?
But this is no more than idle curiosity. It’s still a huge step even from there to actually wanting kids. I’m 45, never married, probably will never have kids, and that is even more than just fine. There is just barely a place in my life for a man – and that only carved out with much difficulty.
And just think: how many men do you know who are completely blind to things like appearance, money, education, talent, achievement, social status? How many men do you know who would come home hungry, find you lying on the couch with a headache and no dinner on the table, and react by forgetting their hunger and lying down with you and keeping you company until you feel better?
A child might even be able to be blind to all of those worldly things, it might even make food for itself and Mommy, if it were able, but let’s say the child was still too little to be able to do that. Would it forget its hunger and just go and comfort Mommy? The only individuals I know who are capable of that kind of sacrifice are… my cats!
I respect people’s choice to be child free, and I sort of admire it in a way, but I don’t think it would be the right choice for me or my future husband.
My opinions on having spawn as I like to call them, come from family pressure/expectations, society, community but also from a desire to experience motherhood, to raise someone who will be the kind of person I’d be proud to call my child.
After all, strong children who change the world come from strong parents who look out for them and want the best for them. Inshallah, I’ll experience this one day.
I don’t think making the decision not to ever have children ever crossed my mind. I guess I am one of those programmed through my upbringings to want a child. I also actually love kids and am one of those that will smile and say awwws to mommys while waiting to be checked out at the grocey store.
I agree that it is definitely a discussion to have with your hubby before hand.
We want 3…?
I think it’s great if people want to pursue the child-free route. I actually have a very close child-free friend. She and her husband have devoted their lives to animal rescue which is great.
I know that my husband and I at least want to try for one, when we feel ready – not when everyone else does. I think that’s very important. Don’t worry about if everyone else is popping them out right and left, do what is right for you, whatever that may be.
Kids or no kids, as long as a couple is happy together, or a person is happy with their life, that’s really what matters at the end of the day.
Salam Aleikom,
I think its sad when ppl say they don’t want children. My husband works in a retirement home, and many ppl tell him they wish they had children. They say its their biggest regret in life. Children are beautiful and a lot of work. There are times I think ‘Wow I can’t believe my mom put up with all my antics in life!’. I think a lot of ppl dont want kids because they’re afraid they won’t be able to do a good job, or its a result of their childhood. I was afraid to have kids partly because I didn’t know what a ‘normal’ family life was like when growing up. Alhumdulillah Allah has given me strength and I hope inshaAllah I can raise strong children. And ppl who say that we dont need more children, that is so sad. If they have that kind of opinion then it’s probably good that they’re not having kids.
You read my mind! I’m in the middle of writing a post about choosing to remain childless in the Muslim community and all of the trouble it causes. I’ll let you know when it’s up.
All i have to say is that im not menstruating once a month for no reason!!!
I in all honesty do not understand how people choose not to have children. It seems like such a major decision but then since i also believe in freedom of choice, i suppose it is their choice.
I think its one of the most beautiful parts of life and Nature. An absolute gift. It’s when a person truly gives of themselves, that they grow. And this is what having children is about, giving, selflessness and becoming a part of Nature that also gives and evolves.
I dont believe in having no children. I think couples should wait some time after they are married before having kids. That gives you time to build and strengthen your relationship before you bring kids into the picture.
Also, nothing is in your control. You may say you don’t want to have kids, but God has other plans. My husband and I were not thinking about having kids. One day, I ended up pregnant, lol. I thought I would be enjoying my first pregnancy and seeing my body blow up. However, I ended up having an emergency c section at 6 months.
So moral of the story, you can plan all you want, but it might not always work out how you plan!!!!
Can anyone really tell me what I should do with my body though? If Allah wills it that any precautions taken actually work, why does anyone care if I choose not have kids? Are those same people going to be there when I need a babysitter? What about if I am having trouble parenting?
I think it’s a personal decision…
Umm yea plain in simple, I’m waiting ten years due to my 9 nieces and nephews and an upcoming god-child. I’m good.
The truth:
No amount of ‘community service’ or saving ‘beached whales’ and ‘running marathons’ will be as satisfactory to the very core of your soul than having a baby who doesn’t need anything in the entire world but YOU. Yes having children is very selfless and self sacrificing but the amount of love that you feel for that tiny human is out of this world.
2nd Truth:
Sometimes they make you want to rip your head off
Bottom line:
If u want kids, do it. if you don’t want kids don’t do it,
but that’s better than delaying having children. Get married, have kids, they’ll grow up and you’ll be done changing diapers by the time your forty…hopefully…
You don’t want a little rug rat running around when all your friends your age and looking forward to their sons wedding…
I love this post Sabrina! Thanks for bringing up such a great topic.
Personally I never thought I’d have kids. I helped raise my 3 younger brothers and was sick of dealing with kids. And the older I got the more worried I got about bringing kids into a world that’s so crazy and unpredictable.
But what happens is this. God willing you can all experience this. You meet someone who happens to be your match and you share a love and a bond so strong that you want to create something together. You want your love to manifest itself in the most ultimate way that it can and that is creating a child from both of you. I know it sounds cliche… but that is the most amazing feeling and such a miracle.
You go through pregnancy and have the baby.. and in my case I freaked out going through childbirth and said I will never have kids again. Well here I am pregnant with #2 and it’s because as I see my daughter grow up and her curiousity increase, her words and sentences grow each day. I’m amazed at this miracle. Is she really mine? Did she really grow in my belly? Subhanallah. I would love for her to have a sibling and watch then grow together.
With all that said though… I think that if you feel strongly about not having children. Then you shouldn’t do it. If you don’t want to have more than 1 or 2 kids. Don’t do it. I believe that if you’re not comfortable with the idea you’ll never be happy. And it’s not fair to raise a child in that kind of environment.
At the same time parenthood is hard. There is no such thing as perfection, so don’t let that get you down either. Everyone has maternal instincts and if you don’t, then don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Ok I’m totally on a tangent Sorry Sabrina!!
i think alotta those thins depend on ur own experiences of stuff as well as ur own belief in urself n ur partner
im muslim, but honestly, i really do think that ill be pretty hapy if i dont get married and if i do it probli wont work out etc…iv been surrounded by broken marriages n the fault is in many things…so basiclly not a grt fan of it
but kids on the other hand hv turned out okay frm the single parents iv seen…n if i cud hv kids without the hubby id totally do that!!
dont get me wrng i actually get on guys better thn girls most of the time, but the whole marriage thing is just crazy
so neway i knw ur not tlkin of marriage here, but i think its the same with kids….if i thought hvin kids wud screw them up and me thn i probabli wudnt wnt to hv em
i do get it….but wat i dont get is when u hv ppl who refuse to hv kids but then adopt monkeys/cabbage kids/fake plastic dolls etc n treat thm like a kid!!
Well… the world is over populated… having said that i think ZERO growth is better then just having no children. Have 2 children one to replace each of you.. if everyone did this the population would not be so out of control..and honestly some people just should not breed at all…
Hi, I had to comment, I so agree with some people up there, but had to add 2 more pennies to the pot.
I’ve been married err… almost 2 years now. I grew up with 5 younger siblings ranging between 2 and 21 years YOUNGER than me, so I’ve dealt with a broad spectrum of children. My sister had my first niece 3 months after my wedding and since we live together, I’ve been around every step of the way of my nieces growth.
Right now, I DO NOT want children. I want a better life than I grew up with, I want to be prepared inshaAllah to raise them properly in a way that I think they should be. None of that can be guaranteed of course, because man Plans and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners.
But anyway, sometimes I wonder what we are gathering all this material wealth for if not to share it.
I want to finish my comment but I’ve gotta run BRB