Read This Post if You Want to be Saved
Posted on May 27, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Newlywed | 20 Comments
Saturday morning, 9 a.m. doorbell rings.
And rings.
And rings again.
All within a matter of eight seconds.
Why? Why don’t you just ring the doorbell once?
And why are you ringing my doorbell at 9 a.m.?
Who are you and what do you need at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning?
Oh, right.
It’s you guys.
This looks more like the road to the Taj Mahal.
Am I wrong?
The Boss: stumbles to the door, opens it and squints.
Woman: Hi, did I wake you?
The Boss: It’s okay.
Woman: I just wanted to talk to you about our Heavenly Father.
The Boss: Okay.
Woman: Are you religious?
reaches into bag to take out a pamphlet.
The Boss: I try to be.
Woman: So you read the Bible and stuff?
The Boss: Actually I’m a Muslim.
Woman: Oh.
Woman: puts pamphlet back in bag and takes out a different one.
Woman: Okay, well I want to give you this. It talks about the similarities between Islam and Christianity. Maybe my husband and I can come over sometime and sit down with you and your wife and talk to you guys more about how to get to Paradise.
The Boss: Okay, thanks.
closes door.
This woman never saw me so how the hell did she know that The Boss has a wife?
A little while later, I found the pamphlet that the woman gave to The Boss on the coffee table and I was all, “This is paradise? THIS?”
Wow. It looks so lame.
And why does that giraffe look like he just took too many pain killers?
First, if this is Paradise, where the hell are all the good looking people?
Seriously.
You mean I’m going to follow your God’s word for my whole life and end up in a place where I have to dress like the Amish, and sit next to a 13-year-old boy with a pet cheetah? That kid doesn’t even look like he’s interested in girls.
And speaking of cheetahs, why hasn’t that cheetah eaten those baby sheep? (I think because he’s just there for the blind kid. He’s like the Seeing-Eye Cheetah. Or something.)
And btw, those sheep are totally checking out my butt through my Amish dress.
(Wait, that’s you?)
For the purposes of this post, yes.
This is B.S., ya’ll! You have to plant your own garden in Paradise AND you have to wear a dress with a collar? What ever happened to, you think it and it happens? I want to think up my own garden and I want to be wearing this while I do the thinking.
Also, is that like a mandatory hairstyle because the girl in the other photo has something strikingly similar. If you’re in Paradise, shouldn’t there be a hair salon?
I mean, you should have full on access to Ken Paves if you made it this far.
Other points: Your dress is awful, (you already made that point) that white bird is about to bite your hand off, I’m scared of squirrels, and there is one coming out of a crack in the Paradise cobblestone behind you…
And is that guy in the purple African getup eating a sandwich? THAT’S THE ONLY FOOD THEY HAVE IN YOUR PARADISE? SANDWICHES???
Well, come to think of it, I really do like sandwiches.
AH HA! Jehovah’s. I knew it!
First, let me tell you something, Jehovah’s. If you want me to find your religion interesting, start handing out updated pamphlets. If you want me to WANT to go to your Paradise, then Photoshop my face onto a Victoria’s Secret model’s body and tell me, “That’s what you’ll look like in Paradise.”
That’ll get my attention.
Next, edit your brochure for length. I don’t have time to sit through 32 pages of your shenanigans. If you can cut that sucker down to like seven pages, maybe we can talk.
And lastly, I thought Paradise was AFTER earth. Why would I want to live on earth forever? Do you know how incredibly boring that would be? If Suzanne Somers’ age-defying stunts end up working, it could just be me and her.
And really, I think I’d rather spend my time with Mr. Furley.
Comments
20 Responses to “Read This Post if You Want to be Saved”
You right!!!I know them! Jehova’s. Even here in France, they’re always doing advertising for their paradise. I mean, live forever on earth? Oh my God! It makes me sooo depressed
Oh by the way, this Chris Benz Coral Dress is absolutely WAWWW
The Chris Dress Benz is totally what I would be rocking in Paradise, along with the body to go with it!
ROTFL. You are too funny. I’m trying to surpass the Houris in paradise not wear Amish style dresses, ya heard?
Get what you’re saying… now that I think about it I look forward to to leaving this dunya sometimes, its so sad. {be here forever….BA HUMBUG!} You have satisfied my reading needs once again
you are hilarious..
Great job, I was laughing so much
))) Ya, I know them too, they r here in Bosnia as well :S But we share the same thought: hardly they will accomplish anything with 32 (right?) pages 
)))
p.s. just found ur blog and love it;)
bahaahaa you should have seen the Somali pamphlet they gave to my mother!
btw since we’re both Lakers fan lets hope to God they win tonight (so far 91 -101)!!
i usually chek out hijabstyle and jana referred 2u as the funniest blogger.. i completely agree.. im just waiting for the JW to knock on my door hehe
i keep wondering how this story would’ve gone had you answered the door and not the boss, lol, I think you should make a point to be there next time….or better yet go ahead and invite them over for discussion time. It would provide DAYS of material!
Seriously, I’m with you…wearing a dress with a Victorian collar, petting cheetahs and eating sandwiches is NOT paradise.
Can we get an entree over here, please!?!
In MY paradise, there’s a closet of great fitting outfits, crab cakes and mac-n-cheese, and oh yeah, my fam & friends.
Sigh. There once was a time when you could scare Jehovah’s witnesses away. Before, all I had to do to make them flee in horror was merely mentioned that I was a Muslim. Now, they’ve gotten so crafty that they’ve even made pamphlets for us! There’s no hope in this world, I tell you.
Tehehehe this is so funny…and slightly scary. Really? “Live forever on earth”??! Dear God please no!
I’m never quite sure whether to be amused of disturbed by the Jehovahs.
After reading ur post, this is what i saw in the news this morning lolz
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090528/tap-singapore-crime-religion-06f3cb7.html
WOW.
I remember they used to come to our complex and knock on our doors around that time too (Who the hell gets up that early? Apparently they do) and they’d use to entice us children with promises of candy and games over at the church.
Obviously my parents told them they were muslim (and that used to work) but I haven’t seen them in the past couple of years, probably issues with ‘trespassing on private property’
DAMN STRAIGHT!
LMAO! I hate those preachers.. god knows there are hundreds here in Singapore. Mostly Christians asking me if I have found Jesus.
welcome to california. they knock all the time!
This is one of the funniest blog posts I’ve read in a long time. It seems you have too much time on your hands, but I’m glad you do! I’m also curious why Paradise has a 2-foot wide man-made stream lined with stones. It’s like something you’d see in some cheesy city park. And I think that the woman in blue by the fountain might be some sort of Paradise Prison guard.
Bwahahah! That’s great, yea I got one of those once, but the kids were befriending a panda on the great lawn of paradise.
The giraffe on painkillers seriously made me LOL. I was totally in a bad mood when I started reading this, but it really made my night. Thanks for the funniness, sis.