If You Need Me, I’ll Be At Mime School

Posted on April 27, 2009
Filed Under Monday Morning Photo | 11 Comments

A few years ago, while I was pretending to be Magnum P.I., I was involved in a car chase and then called the police on a guy I thought was a child molester.

Well, it wasn’t really that exciting.

For three days in a row, I came home at 10 a.m., to find a man with sunglasses and a hat on sitting in black jeep close to my house. Under normal circumstances, who cares, right? But the thing about our neighborhood is that about 95 percent of the families have been living there for like 20 years, so when you see a new car or a new face, they stand out like a black person at a Jewish parade.

The first time I saw this guy, I was all, “This guy is a pervert,” which I know isn’t a nice thought to think — but he was parked at a place on our street where our neighbor’s have a huge bush that covers a part of the sidewalk. The school bus drops off the elementary school kids around 3 p.m. and I just imagined him opening his car door and snatching up one of those kids as they walked down the sidewalk to their house. Those poor little rug rats would have no where to run because of that damn bush. (Which has since been removed, thank God.)

When I came home for the third day in a row, and saw that he was parked there again, I was like, “Oh hell no.”
When he saw my car, he whipped a U-turn in the middle of the street and drove away — and I followed him. When he saw that I didn’t pull into my driveway, he floored it and disappeared around the block.
I went inside and called the police. Since I was working as a reporter then, the officers at the station knew me and I told them what I saw.

“So, this sounds weird,” I said. “But he kind of looks like Joey from ‘Full House’.”

As I was on the phone with one of the officers, the man in the jeep returned and parked at the top of our street by the Stop Sign. Moments later, there were county police cars in our neighborhood and I saw two officers ask the man to get out of his car.
Eventually, the man in the black jeep drove away, never to been seen again.

Later that week, I was watching the news and learned that there had been a string of daytime robberies in a neighborhood pretty close to where we live. It seriously was like a remake of “Home Alone.” Remember how Harry and Marv drove around neighborhoods figuring out when people weren’t home? I’m not saying that this guy in the black jeep was the one who burglarized those homes near my house — and I do realize that there is a small possibly that he could have been a totally innocent, but I don’t really care about that.
Three days on the exact same street at the exact same time?
I don’t buy your innocence, Home Burglar.

Fast forward a few years to this morning when I came home to my own place. The family next door to me is moving and their place is up for rent right now. I’ve seen the owners come by and do some yard work and stuff, but this morning, there was an older man in a suit walking around the property. His Lexus was parked in front of the house, and judging from his clothes and his car, I assumed he was a real estate agent.

As I got out of my car, I noticed him stop to look at me. But then he didn’t move. He just stood there staring at me. I ignored him, grabbed my purse and computer from the car, checked the mail and tossed a newspaper into the recycling bin.
Next thing you know, this guy has his camera out and HE’S TAKING PICTURES OF ME!

I was like, WHAT THE HELL? So I stopped in the middle of my front yard, looked at him and go, “Are you taking pictures of me?”

He put his camera down, shook his head ‘No,’ and then sort of waved me off — you know, like a grumpy old person would do. Then he points to my neighbor’s house as if to say, “I’m taking pictures of this house.”
And I was all, “What are you, a mime? That house is behind you, you’re facing me, and I can see the flash going off each time you click!”

Totally annoyed, I walked into my house, threw my stuff down, grabbed my camera and marched outside.

Yeah, you old fart, how do you like me now?

I’m totally not going to ask you if you need help carrying those heavy bins –
in fact, I hope you throw your back out and get a Hernia.

I snapped a picture of your precious little girlfriend, too, SUCKER.

I totally think this guy wanted to take a picture of me to let potential renters know that there is a Muslim family living next door.
GASP!

That’s cool. He can tell them whatever he wants.

But he should know that after I’m done posting today, I’m going to spend a little bit of time at Zazzle where I plan on printing a shirt with his picture on it. (I might even print extras and do a few giveaways on my Web site).

The next time he comes back, I’ll be wearing an iron-on of his wrinkled little face, and when he’s like, “Is that a picture of of me on your shirt?” I’ll pull on my white gloves, smooth on a coat of red gloss across my lips, shake my finger ‘No’ and then point to my own smiling face, as if to say, “Why, of course not. Can’t you see, it’s me.”

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