Try This, It’s Really Good For You. But Just Be Careful Because You Might Die.

Posted on April 22, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Family | 14 Comments

When I was in the 10th grade, a friend of mine gave up soda and chocolate for Lent. Since she was doing it by herself, I thought I’d give her a little emotional support and go in on Lent with her. For 40 days neither one of us drank soda or ate chocolate. After Lent was over, she went back to drinking soda and eating chocolate, but I only went back to eating chocolate.
And now it’s been 10 years since I’ve been clean and I almost feel like I should be invited to a Crackheads Anonymous meeting to be the guest speaker. Well maybe not “Crackheads,” but at least AA. Only AA might not be the right place for me to go, because I stopped drinking soda, I didn’t stop being an alcoholic.
I mean, not that I was ever an alcoholic, but if I was, I would have totally stopped.
I really hope that the person who like, invented AA isn’t reading this, because I can totally see the letter that will show up in my e-mail tomorrow.

Alcoholism is a disease, and the leaders and participants of our world-wide network have been hurt and offended by your blog post about our very reputable fellowship, which has empowered men and women of all ages, helped them regain strength, and reclaim their lives. We do not appreciate that your Web site has belittled our life-saving efforts.

To which I will respond, Uhh, shouldn’t you be at one of your meetings?

(I think AA totally rocks by the way.)

When The Boss and I first became friends, he wanted the skinny on why I didn’t drink soda.
When I told him, he was like, “Want a sip?”
And I was like, “What is that?”
And he goes, “Mountain Dew.”
And I was like, “But I just told you that I don’t drink soda.”
So then he goes, “Just take a sip.”
And I’m like, “Why?”
And he’s like, “Because I just want to make sure you’re not still observing Lent.”

Aside from soda, I’ve never been a big juice drinker either. For as long as I can remember, the only two beverages I’ve enjoyed are milk and water — but also for as long as I can remember, I’ve tried (and failed) many times at making fresh juice.
I know you’re probably thinking, it’s like squeezing an orange, how hard can it be?

Let me tell you, People. It can be hard.

I once followed a carrot juice recipe made up my own recipe for carrot juice for The Boss and myself, and it was so unbelievably horrid, I ran around the house hiding all the Qur’ans so The Boss couldn’t look up the Islamic rulings on divorce.
Yeah, it was THAT bad.

Anyway, last week I was at my aunt’s house visiting my grandmother, and to my utter delight, my aunt and I spent the entire week making fresh juice — that was good! My aunt has her masters degree in nutrition, so she’s always been big on healthy eating and all natural stuff. But since my grandmother hasn’t been well, my aunt whipped out her juicers so everything she gave my grandmother would be totally fresh and full of natural vitamins and minerals.
It’s also important to note that this aunt of mine NEVER wastes ANYTHING, and there is a running joke in our family that the soap in her bathroom could be used for washing your hands, feeding a newborn, or suturing an open wound.
I’ve only tried two of the three.

Here’s what we did — we started with O.J. — the kind that doesn’t kill you.

I cut a few fresh oranges

And my aunt got out her citrus juicer

I was a little skeptical at first considering the juicer was older than I was

But then she got going

Two full oranges later we had a glass of juice, pure and refreshing — no sugar added!

But things didn’t end there.

We got so excited, we started grabbing whatever we could find in the fridge.

We found grapes

And made grape juice!

Then came the carrots, which I was a little skeptical about considering my previous debacle nearly
resulted in marriage counseling.

After a bit of coaxing from my aunt, I went ahead and tried the carrot juice (which had nothing added to it) and it was AMAZING. While my aunt tended to my grandmother, I decided to make myself another glass.

And I started drinking.

Just then my aunt runs up on me all criminal-like and is like, “No!”
So I get all scared and drop the glass and get in my Jujitsu stance and she looks at me like, What the hell is that? And I’m staring at her like,  I don’t care if you’re family, it’s each man for himself now.
She reaches for my cup, and goes, “Would you eat a half pound of carrots?”
While I thought about it, she said, “You can only drink a quarter cup each day, you’re going to get Jaundice.”

Then I was like, What the hell? I knew these rusty old machines were from a different era, but I didn’t think they’d give me a disease!

I started checking my skin color against the yellow towel hanging by the oven and then ran to the mirror and peeled back my eyelids to see if I had spots in my eyes.

Apparently, because fresh juice is so highly concentrated, you have to monitor your intake — something about kidney and liver failure or something.

This is about as much as you should drink in one day.

I’m home now and I’m looking to buy a juicer — mostly so I can drink the juice from a half-pound bag of carrots without being judged.

Anyone used a good juicer lately? I’d appreciate any advice.

I’ve been looking on line, but apparently there are about 66,422 juicers available on the market ranging in price from $17.99 to $400, and I’m like WTH, People? I mean, are tiny men going to jump out of the $400 juicer and start making the juice for me?
Because if they are, I’m going to put them in my cereal and see if they’re smart enough to use the Cheerios as life preservers like in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.”
If they are, then that juicer was totally worth the money.

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