This is what happens when you eat shrimp crackers before bed

Posted on April 11, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Moving | 7 Comments

I came home the other morning and found this in the driveway:

And I was all, “Hell Yeah! I love Raisin Bran!” because it reminds me of when my grandmother, Mimmi, used to live with us and that was like, the only cereal she ever ate. I reached for the bag, naturally assuming there was a free sample of the cereal inside, but the only thing that came out was the newspaper with a story on the font page about how crime in our area has risen since last year. I swear, this damn recession is making people all crazy. I was a little irritated at having been duped, but then, a reader’s act of generosity totally made my day.

Earlier this week, I mentioned in a post that I needed moving boxes. It just so happens that a young woman who lives/works in the D.C. Metro area found my blog, and discovered that she was friends with my older sister in college. Next thing you know, we’re standing in the parking lot of an Olive Garden and she’s handing me 35 cleaned and folded boxes for me to take home. The boxes helped me get over the newspaper fiasco, so instead of writing to our local paper’s advertising department about the bag they sent the paper in (WITHOUT THE CEREAL), I’ve decided to refocus my energy and pack for a few hours instead.

This morning, I was making a mental check list of the things that still needed to be packed, when I was like, Oh, I can’t forget to pack that gorgeous vintage purple lamp I have with all flowers on it. But guess what, ya’ll. I don’t actually have a gorgeous vintage purple lamp with flowers on it.

I did. For a moment. Angelina Jolie gave it to me last night sometime during my REM state. Why the hell did I dream about Angelina Jolie?  I can’t answer that question for myself or for you, but I can tell you that part of my dream also included Octomom. You know, that woman who has 14 kids and no job. I don’t think she got the memo that said WE’RE IN A RECESSION.

I don’t ever dream about Hollywood celebrities, except for the occasional dream that Britney Spears is my bff, so it’s totally weird that I’m having dreams about Angelina Jolie and her wannabe counterpart. In my dream, I’ve somehow been entered into an Angelina Jolie Lookalike Contest. I try to leave since I obvs look nothing like her, but then I see Octomom and I’m like, “Oh, she’s totally going to win,” so I kind of want to stick around to see what happens. To my surprise, Angelina Jolie calls out the top three lookalikes, and I’m one of them. Jolie starts handing out all these prizes, and points us to a table where we can take whatever we want — and that’s where I see the beautiful purple lamp.

When I woke up this morning, I was bummed that I didn’t have a bag full of goodies, or that lamp that I had no business winning rightfully won last night. So I’ve decided that the moment I arrive in L.A., I’m going to sign up for one of those really lame tours where you can drive past celebrity homes. When the tour guide announces that we’re in front of the Jolie-Pitt house, I’m going to leap from the bus and jump through one of their windows and demand that Angelina give me my lamp.

But before I do that, I’ll need a few props.

Since I look like this:

I’ll need this:

and this:

and this:

to look like this:

That way, when I tumble into their living room with the grace of Indiana Jones, she’ll remember that I was in her top three. AND SHE OWES ME A LAMP.

Comments

• February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011

• BlogHer.com Newlyweds Dish Twitter RSS