What the Hell Man, He Was Already Dead!

Posted on February 19, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Family, Wow | 6 Comments

I think my sister is a bad driver: PLAIN.AND.SIMPLE.

Unfortunately, I know that our driving records tell a much different version of my story.

Her record is squeaky clean.

And me, well…

I have had my license suspended three times, have gotten pulled over for driving while my license was suspended, I’ve had to go to driving school, my car was towed from the fire lane in front of my apartment in college, in high school, my car once broke down in the middle of the road because I had never pumped my own gas, I’ve racked up hundreds of dollars in parking tickets at colleges I didn’t even go to, and I’ve been summoned to court (for my less-than-perfect driving abilities) where I lost my case because I got lost driving there, and ended up being one hour late for my hearing.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I have more than a little trouble in parking garages — and my car (and my mom’s car) have got the scars to prove it.

Yet sill I maintain, that I am the better driver.

My sister, Uzma lays so far back in her seat when she drives, she looks like a Mexican gangbanger, and she’s totally reckless behind the wheel. She never slows down on exit ramps, and belligerently drives 50 mph (where the sign clearly states 35) in places police officers usually hide out.
Every time I’m in the car with her, I fear for my life.

Take the other day for example.

We’re driving down a fairly empty road in the afternoon, and I see a huge chunk of road kill lying just ahead of us. I think nothing of it, because I assume one of two things would happen.

1.) She’ll drive over it, making sure the rodent passes directly between her four tires, or
2.) She’ll gently go around it to avoid it all together.

Well, she didn’t actually use option One, or Two.
Instead, she opted for Option Three: Swerve like a maniac around the road kill, only to mistime the whole thing, and drive right over his skull, and ribs while screaming for your life.

Me: What the hell was that for?

Uzma: There was something in the road!

Me: Yeah it was dead!

Uzma: I didn’t see it!

Me: How could you not have seen it? It was HUGE, and DEAD, AND IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!

Uzma: Well, I wasn’t looking at the road.

Me: WHAT?

Uzma: I was looking over there.
(Uses her head to point to her left, and once again takes her eyes off the road.)

Me: Why were you not looking at the road while you were driving?

Uzma: Because I saw something out the window that I wanted to see. Don’t you ever look out the window while you’re driving?

Me: NO! I LOOK AT THE ROAD!

Now you can understand why I’m so bewildered by the fact that she has never been pulled over, hit a man on a bike, or been involed in a drive-by shooting.

Comments

6 Responses to “What the Hell Man, He Was Already Dead!”

Uz on February 19th, 2009 3:02 am

lol… you’re a jerk. and random. so totally random.
A on February 19th, 2009 3:04 am

Note to self, Im driving at all times….
Sara on February 19th, 2009 5:47 am

This is hilarious. It reminds me of my sister and I.
BTW, I love your blog! It’s the highlight of my day!
Humaira on February 19th, 2009 11:37 am

I was laughing so much! Poor you, but so funny in hindsight! For the record, i’m too terrified to look anything but straight ahead and I’ve only just passed my test!
Jen on February 19th, 2009 3:30 pm

I would have loved to been a fly in the car.
Thanks for making my day! Too funny!!!!
Tina on February 25th, 2009 4:30 am

LOL I’m laughing so hard I’m tearing!