Men of the World: Be Ye Not So Stupid

Posted on January 21, 2009
Filed Under Daily, Newlywed, Wow | 10 Comments

I’ve experienced That Moment as a newlywed.

You know…

That Moment, when you can’t understand how a man’s brain works –
That Moment when you look at the man you married, and you’re totally confused as to what his thought-process is –
That Moment you thought would never come because the man you married is so absolutely perfect, there’s no way on earth he could ever do something so dumb you’re left scratching your head –

Well, I’ve experienced That Moment.

People who know me, know that I’m not fat. But they will all tell you that compared to life before marriage, I’ve definitely put on some weight. I don’t believe in diets, but for the last few years, I’ve been a really healthy eater. See, after college, when I no longer played an organized sport, I realized that my days of eating an entire bag of Tostitos chips, and a jar of queso, by myself, were over.

Problem is, I married a Division 1 basketball player who’s kind of a freak of nature because he’s never weighed an ounce over 150 pounds — so he basically eats whatever he wants. When I moved home from college, my parents didn’t keep junk food in the house. But post marriage, our kitchen has been packed with cookies, and doughnuts, and bags of candy. And, let’s just say, the only time I succumb to peer pressure is when that peer pressure is covered in sprinkles.

I’ve never been self-conscious — of my body, or otherwise (which I credit to my parents) but lately, I’ve caught myself looking in the mirror and examining my body from various angles. And I’ve even asked The Boss The Annoying Woman Question: Do I Look Fat? When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I felt overwhelmed with shame, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to slap myself, because I had just become one of “those girls.”

The Boss is a pretty smart guy, and very honest, so when I asked, he said, “You won’t ever look fat because you’re not fat. Ask me if you look fatter than usual, and then I’ll be able to answer you.”

I’ve told him that I was going to try and get back in shape — I wanted the body I had about two years prior to our wedding. I try to cook healthy foods at home that he likes, too, but the other night, in honor of our Six-Monthaversary, and a promotion he recently got at work, I decided to make a big Indian dinner filled with fried bread that’s so delicious, you have to turn a blind eye to the calorie count.

Since I love food, it’s rare that I would make something totally off-limits for myself. I believe in proper portions, and I’ve always been really in sync with my body. I know exactly how much I can eat, and so it’s rare that I ever under, or overeat.

For some reason, our DVR hasn’t been working with NBC (specifically) so when The Biggest Loser came on the other night, I couldn’t pause the show to get up and heat our dinner. The Boss brought the dishes to the living room so I could plate my food, and then he left to heat everything up.

While I was eating, I started to get full faster than normal, and I looked at my plate to see how much food I had taken. There was a little more than a spoonful of beef left in my plate, and I just couldn’t finish it.

Was I not paying attention when I took the food?
Was I just so hungry I took too much?
Why was I full before my plate was empty?
Why did I have too much beef and not enough tomato curry? I usually portion to perfection.

I left my food for a few minutes thinking my stomach needed more room. And then it occurred to me to ask The Boss how much tomato curry he put in my plate. And World, that’s when It Happened. He looked over at me, and totally nonchalantly goes, “Oh, I gave you as much as you asked for, and then I gave you some more beef.”

WHAT? YOU PUT EXTRA FOOD ONTO A WOMAN’S PLATE?

YOU PUT EXTRA FOOD ONTO A WOMAN’S PLATE WHO ASKED YOU IF SHE WAS FAT?

YOU PUT EXTRA FOOD ONTO A WOMAN’S PLATE WHO SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU SHE WANTED TO GET BACK IN SHAPE BECAUSE MARRIED LIFE CAME WITH 10 EXTRA POUNDS?

I couldn’t even move, let alone find the words to tell him what a HUGE MISTAKE he had just made.

I just stared and him.
And he smiled.

YOU’RE SMILING?????

I was so confused.
And I guess my face must have started getting really red, because the smile fell from his face, and in a really soft voice, he goes, “What?”

“Why would you add more food to my plate?” I asked.

“Because I didn’t think you took enough.”

“I took as much as I can eat.”

“But it didn’t look like enough.”

I was trying to maintain my composure, and digest each word that came out of his mouth — but nothing he said made any sense.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ADD MORE FOOD TO A WOMAN’S PLATE WHEN SHE DOESN’T KNOW YOU’RE DOING IT????

He was staring at me with his big brown eyes, and had a look of total innocence dripping from his face.

I didn’t know whether to scream or say thank you.

I asked how much he added to my plate, and he said, “about a spoonful,” which was all that was left in my plate, that I couldn’t finish.

I like The Boss so very much as a friend, and I love him as a partner. But seriously, what the hell was he thinking?

When he got home from work today, he asked me what I was blogging about. I told him my post was about how he did the one thing no man should ever do. Most likely remembering the post I wrote the other day, about him leaving his things in the set of The Closet, he scooted really close to me and said, “I want to do something positive to get into your blog.”

Positive, huh?
Okay kid, how about you start by buying me a salad.

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