PEE-YOUKE

Posted on January 13, 2009
Filed Under Daily, The Boss | 6 Comments

I posed a question to all of you last week, asking you what the most disgusting thing you’ve ever smelled was. I think the best answer was from Jen who compared the smell of an old chest freezer to, “If ‘CSI’ made a candle.” Awesome. So, for more than a week, there was a smell in our home that kept getting worse. It started out as a strange odor, and then quickly morphed itself into a full-blown, vomit-worthy stench that would strike you in the back of the neck if you decided to take a chance and breathe. The Boss and I were sitting in the living room one evening, when I smelled something a little off. I took in a few rapid sniffs near his face, causing him to flinch, and press his back into the couch.

“What?” he said.

“You smell that?”

“What?”

He started sniffing.

“Yeah, kind of. What is that?”

“I don’t know. Is it your feet?”

The Boss lifted up his foot, and pressed it to his nose.

“I don’t think so,” he said. “Is it?” he passed his foot to me.

I sniffed his socks.

“Nope,” I said. “Is it me?” I took a deep inhale of my right foot, and then passed it to him. After a few minutes of foot-sniffing, The Boss hopped off the couch, and then stood awkwardly in front of me for a few seconds.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I don’t think it’s you,” he said. “But I’m gonna go wash my feet just in case.”

The next day, the smell got worse, but we thought we found its location of origin. An unbelievably foul odor was coming from the trashcan, and after The Boss hauled out the garbage, we celebrated our victory. But the next day, the mystery smell cme back with vengeance. Thinking the smell might have been coming from flowers in the living room, I poured out the water, rinsed the stems, rinsed the vase, filled it up with clean water, and then put the flowers back. I even sniffed every flower in our home and weeded out a handful that smelled like sulfur. We air-freshenered (yes, it is now a verb) the whole house, and inspected every inch of our place, and finally narrowed the horrific odor down to the living room/kitchen area.  See, normally, when you smell something bad, you do the sniff-and-walk. You walk and sniff, and walk and sniff, and repeat. It’s like calling your cell phone when you can’t find it; within moments you know where it is. But this smell must have been part Devil, because each time we sniffed and walked in one direction, the smell would move. Walk forward, and it was behind you, turn around, and it was now coming from the basement. We had a few dishes in the sink, so The Boss volunteered to start cleaning them. As the dishes were pulled from the sink, one by one, the smell got worse.

“Oh God!” The Boss yelled. “It’s coming from in here!”

I grabbed an old hijab to wrap around his face, and then ran to the doorway to stand at a safe distance behind him incase he pulled an alien baby fetus out of the sink . A few dry heaves and gags later, The Boss yelled.

“EWW CHICKEN! THERE IS RAW CHICKEN IN THE SINK! THAT’S WHERE THE SMELL WAS COMING FROM!”

Then silence.

“SAABREEEEEN!!!!”

Uhh…ha…uhh..haha?…ha?

Mystery Solved: While washing a package of ground chicken to cook for dinner a few weeks ago, I…err..someone must have dropped some of it in the sink without realizing. And then that someone must have accidentally forgotten to clean it up. Even though I believe that Memphis, cat pee, and a Vegas casino smell absolutely horrid, in my and The Boss’s experience, the only thing that could smell worse than 10-day-old raw meat, is this one kid’s breath we encountered while being helped at Fed-Ex Kinko’s. The Boss compared it to (and I quote) “Someone who’s been sucking on an expired goat-milk Popsicle all day.”

Be thankful you’ve never smelled either one.

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